I forgot about wordpress

So, I forgot about wordpress until today.  Why?  I have been doing so well mentally, life just seems to go by faster and I am not bombarded by depression and OCD issues.  Work is fine, and I am in my last semester of my masters.  Then I go on to my field work and after that I can start applying for school counseling positions.  I managed to stay in school despite any setbacks with depression which many of you know is a big feat to master.  Now, there are periods of time where a few days I will take a few steps back and feel miserable but somehow the funk breaks.  I am still seeing my therapist once every two or three weeks and of course my psychiatrist. I actually have a new one after 8 years with my other who retired sadly.  My new one is a lot younger and intelligent but I really did not feel like starting over with someone so they can understand my history and quirks.  This new psychiatrist has not worked through severe depression/bipolar episodes and does not know what works for me as opposed to what does not.  Of course he can study my file, but it isn’t the same and getting to know one another on a professional level takes a long time.  Seems like a burden actually.

I got to thinking today about what I would have done differently in life had I had a glimpse into my adulthood from the mindset of a teenager.  I know I would have taken the educational track to an in demand high paying job.  I do not know what that would be but considering what it takes to live on your own and prepare for retirement, that is why I think this way.  I can do nothing to prevent all the setbacks of depression, mania, OCD episodes, you name it.  That would have happened no matter what college I went to or what job I had.  I would have still had setbacks.  I know what your going to say, which is you cannot change the past.  Yes I know this, but it is fun to think about what you would have done differently.

For instance, I would have stuck with an exercise plan and stuck with it starting as a teenager.  I would not have partied so much in my undergrad which affected my grades.  I had a low B average, but I could have had all A’s if I had not focused so much on a social life.  I wish I never messed around with half the guys I did , they were a waste of time.  Another waste of time was caring too much what others thought of you. This is something that I still struggle with but has decreased a lot.

I wish I had spent more time with family as a child more than I did.  I did not know my grandparents well except one of them, and they passed away while I was in middle school.  Then again, they lived over an hour away and I could not drive so there’s that.

I still wished I could have saved my mother from her chronic alcoholism and eventually her death.  People tell me there was nothing I could have done that I hadn’t already done, but I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind suggesting otherwise.  It feels like it my responsibility to save her.

With that said, I am going to do some more reflecting.

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update…update

I have not written in many months and it is because I was able to return to work, school, and any other daily necessities.  I would look back in here to read other people’s blogs but did not feel compelled to write.  Today I feel compelled to write.  I am having problems with my OCD centralizing around one thing and that is being overweight.  I obsess about how I look ugly body wise but I feel I am very pretty in my face.  I tell myself to go exercise but there is no interest?  I try to get people to go walk with me, but my husband isn’t interested because he has been on his feet all day.  Others aren’t available or doing other things.  All the obsessing is leading to down feelings and non-motivation.  I see my therapist tomorrow, hoping that helps.  I find a lot of people on here have bipolar but I really have a hard time finding people on here that have OCD to talk to.  Anyone with problems with their OCD?

Weight gain on meds

Anyone have weight gain on anafranil , or lithium? At first on lithium, I lost weight due to the excessive thirst for water side effect. That subsidded and now I think I have gained 10 pounds in the year I have been on Lithium. Anafranil lists weight gain as a possible side effect too. Look forward to anyone’s thoughts on this.

Hello world

Have not written in a long time but have been reading here and there on wordpress.  Work has been going fine as well as classes and I have felt stable until five days ago.  I had been on the weight watchers diet for three months now and have only lost five pounds and it fluctuates.  Over time, I became obsessed with weight and my OCD took over with it.  Since then, I have been having problems wanting to goto work, getting ready for work, counting down the minutes or hours to get home from work or class.  It is very frusterating, and you would think that work or class would distract me from these feelings, but it is not working.  When the teacher just talks at you for 2.5 hours, I lose interest after the first half hour.  Today, I couldn’t get to work, could not get ready in time, didn’t care.  Called in, and so far I have been doing things around the house slowly.  I have one assignment I need to do before tomorrow and I have a counseling appointment in the afternoon but that is a long wait to go when you feel like you need to go a lot sooner.  Then I have small periods of feeling better, but it passes and the sadness or uneasiness comes back.

I have to wonder if I am having bipolar swings or is my OCD running amuck?  I wish I was not home alone, but my husband has to work.  Feel like crying, then I get distracted.

Warning: venting

I am tired of sending out resumes, filling out apps, being bored due to lack of job.  I am tired of my options being cleaning, errands, walking the dog, tending to the garden, and I forget.  I am mad at people who have jobs, because I do not.  In two months that I have been looking, i have only had two interviews anddddd did not get them.  I do not know why.  My mental health in june cleared up but due to unemployment, I am depressed due to my predicament.  Feel like I am running out of steam.  To top it off , my doctor had to lower my dosage of lithium because of hair loss.  Now it looks silly and all I can do is wait for it to grow back.  I feel ugly due to it.  I tell myself I cannot do this again tomorrow, but do it again anyways.  I want to scream about how I have been incovienced by bipolar and ocd.  I have hiked a lot, lots of walks, look at stores to get out of the condo, hung out with friends, I do therapy,  puzzles,  books, blog, and what have you.  I TRY SO HARD, GO THROUGH THE SAME FEELINGS EVERY FUCKING DAY, AND FOR WHAT?  I have knocked myself out looking for jobs countless hours, hundreds of applications and resumes.  

That is it, I had to put it somewhere.

Did not get the job

Had an interview on Friday to be a living assistant in a senior home.  Basically I would get to know the residents and their likes.  From there, I would creates events based on their likes.  Set up, tear down of those events.  Also driving the residents to group events or errands.  Creating the newsletter and other clerical duties.  It was a group interview that I felt went  very well.  I wanted this job.  This morning, I get an email saying I did not move on to the next level.  Of course I became sad/depressed that it feels like I cannot break back into the world of work.  It was late june that I started looking due to my disdorders  under control.  Tomorrow is August, I wanted to have a job before my classes started up.  There is only so much I can do in a job search, there is the employer that has to accept you, which of course I cannot say hire me.  Therefore that other half feels out of my control.  Has anyone had these challenges of returning to work after months of mental health problems?

 

P.S.  Coffee helps