Fed up

Been having an irritable, crying , sad mood.  I know that I am tired of not having enough to do, but feel flat and apathtic about doing more.  It is worse when you dont have anyone to talk to to just listen.  Been trying to do home projects but have to walk away from them and come back.  This episode is hard and I have no inclination to leave the house.   Overall, tired of the loss of interest in volunteering or work.  It does not seem to come back.  Fed up.


Anyone ween off of this and have side effects?  Called my doctor about it and he told me to start the new med today.   Earlier than planned.  Also having a lot of anxiety over my husband being gone this weekend.  I cannot seem to shake it and I feel trapped in it.  I seem to feel normal when doing something engaging but when that is done, I go back to the anxiety.  Any suggestions?


This morning,  my thoughts and obsessions became too much and I felt like I could not deal.  So I ate, fed the cats and fish, had coffe.  Decided to engross my mind in cnn.  I need a whole 24 hours to not think of ruminations or depressive episodes.  Have little interest in going to a job fair or work on my classes.  Depression seems to just over rule.  I need an outlet that actually works to take me out of my head other than movies or phone conversations.  Feels like not a lot works.

Today I saw my psychiatrist

I told him the positives and negatives since I was last there.  Told him I was crying this morning and last week had a bad day of crying and then a crappy feeling day the next.  Explained that I go through the same pattern of emotions everyday.  Wake up feeling flat and apathetic.  After breakfast, coffee and meds, feel normal and better.  Then around 2 or 3, go back to flat, uninterested, and apathetic.  Frustrated that I do everything my therapist says to do as well as my doctor and I have not rid myself of this depression.  At some point today while planting some plants in the garden, I got in a real sour mood, and thought I don’t care about anything going on or having to be somewhere in the week.  Went home and cried.  Anyways he asked me if I thought the celexa was working, I said no and he agreed.  I am switching to prozac, and many years ago I was on it, and it worked well.  He said I am too intellectual to not work and thought I was scared to go back because of my confidence being shattered during the roughest times.  I told him I feel uninterested in working, even though I know it is important.  He thinks I need more structure than what I have now.  So basically , I feel depressed or not caring to working, and the thought of doing an interview gives me a lot of anxiety.  Yet I need this.  How the fuck do I do this?!  I felt better after seeing him, but then later felt bad.  Funny thing is I am doing well in my online classes.  Too many times I feel bored, but working sounds boring.  Either way he says I am still depressed and accounts for my feelings.  You know I am jealous of those people who do not have depression.  Believe me, I know who these people are.  When I say jealous, it is high.  Or do not deal with anxiety.  I would like one full day with no anxiety or depression.  Just once.  I will usually have a few good hours, but not the whole day.  I seem to do bad when I am alone.  Pissed that my husband will be gone this weekend for job training which is paid and he works this summer because of it.  I dread that, because when I am home alone, I am left with my own thoughts.  I made plans for saturday and sunday but for some reason I am not looking forward to them?  I wonder if I will when it gets to that point.  Sometimes I just don’t want to try anymore, just sit on the couch and watch CNN.

I do enjoy stuff, movies, tv, the garden, reading, conversations on the phone, going places with my husband, hiking.  I wonder why people do not comment more on my blog because I know there are a lot of people who can relate.