God , where is my adderall?

Ever get told something you didn’t want to hear?  When you hear it, the irony cuts through like a knife?  A couple months ago, that was the exact situation I was in.  My psychiatrist told me I had ADD.  Not ADHD , but ADD.  Two different things but in the same class you could say.  How is it that I have had this all my life and no one caught it?  I spent 8 years in special education for a speech issue early on , no one caught it.  My mental health roller coaster started at the age of 12 and now 35; which countless meds, therapist, psychiatrists, inpatient and outpatient visits, NO ONE CAUGHT IT.  Years of struggle of having to work harder on everything in my life, the stresses of not meeting all my goals, anxiety everyday, and always hearing just try harder?  REALLY?

So there I am sitting there staring out the window, thinking I am so mad, I could bolt from this office, and take off in my SUV screaming to songs on the radio as I drive fast.

Oh wait, he is still talking, I better catch up to what he is saying.

There is treatment with meds and even though it is not curable, it is highly common.  The meds work right away but we have to start you on a non stimulant med to see how that works first.  Why I ask?  Due to your bipolar diagnosis , the stimulant kinds of meds could cause you to be manic.

Seeing as I have very little patience as it is and already depressed this is a super downer.  God, more waiting for the right med, and now more fucking waiting.  GRRRRRRRRRR

(An inside into my mind.  My mind goes 1000 mph and most people cannot keep up with me.  It is like have six different plays going on in my head and as the director I am in charge of all simultaneously.  Plus, this happens in all aspects of my life, during work, socialization, during bed time, cleaning, cooking, you name it.  Imagine this all the time and imagine just trying to sleep.  Just saying. )

Back to this appointment.  I ask him why did no one catch it, including him and my therapist who I had been seeing for years?  His answer:  We were not looking for it and because you were able to complete college with decent grades and read often, the big red flags were not there.  Do you ever want to look at someone and smack them a few times then proceed to tell them off?  That was that moment.

Reflecting on my past, I think of all the meds I have tried that have failed or the ones I am still on which sort of only half work and then to think that it was ADD all along that contributed to major frustration, depression, fatigue, and overall hell.  The funny thing of this is I really did not enjoy school other than the social atmosphere, and the art and music classes.  Somehow I made it through, but I had to make deals with myself to get through.  My parents were teachers and would not allow me to drop out and I was scared of them if I did disobey.  I disobeyed behind their back, and would find fun everyday out of every boring day.  This was to counteract whatever boring crap I had to go through.  That fun was either men, drinking, partying, drugs, or all in one shot.  It was an intense need to get it out of my system and then I would feel better.  Dancing at night clubs to loud music was my ultimate high though.

I leave the office with a script in hand, instantly grouchy and determined to find someone to vent to.

Until next time.

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