Can the weight of that brick wall on my shoulders be bulldozed …….please?

Noticing my annoyances out of little things, I also notice I have grown very lonely during the day while my husband is away at work.  Aside from any cooking, cleaning, and errands, it gets old after a while.  I have hobbies but it is not enough.  I would really like to get back to work but that takes time, doesn’t happen over night.  Trying to ignore the loneliness  after getting things done, playing my guitar, and what not; it always comes back.  Maybe it starts with boredom then turns into loneliness.  I am not one for TV much, once in a while, but often I find it boring.

Sometimes , people say how about going to the mall or library just to be around others?  I have tried those things many times and that gets old.  It does not seem to matter what people I am around , I am still lonely.  Being around strangers do not help.  Walking through aisles looking at products or goods that I have no intention of buying seems fruitless.  Most of the stuff is junk and is not going to take up residence at my place, so I leave.

The gym, I go there.  It was going well until the last two weeks, it feels lonely there too.  There are just more strangers and I am not there to try to flirt, so yeah.  It temporarily helps, but the loneliness returns the next day.  It seems as if I have entered a temporary hold of depression which actually I had broken free of months of it a couple of months ago.  This particular week though has been rough.  The feeling of frustration leads to annoyance, then to loneliness and now some depression.  It is not as if this has never happened before but I cannot pinpoint a direct cause or starting point for it all.  Sometimes I can, but other times, it is as if depression just walks in without being invited or even ringing the door bell.  What kind of intrusive asshole are you depression?

You can tell that certain activities you used to enjoy are sort of wish washy now.  Sort of like your only enjoying at 50% efficiency now instead of 100%.  Maybe it is like my furnace that is from 1994 and only operates at 75% efficiency?  That thing needs to be replaced, but the winter has to pass first.  What a big task and mess to deal with.  I feel like I am at 60% efficiency in terms of my personality.  The honey moon period of being happy seems to be draining and leveling out.  That feeling of looking outside and thinking everything looks stale and grey has come back.  That feeling is the worst for me.  With that comes loss of wanting to be around people or motivation.

Honestly, I have fought through the depths of hell to bring myself out of the pits of depression.  Crawling, scrapping, and picking up pieces as I go every time.  The worst is when you try your hardest over a period of time, and the results do not come.  The suffering ensues then.  So, the record player plays over and over on the same song, never moving one inch over to the next song.  Maybe I should chuck the whole record player out the window to get it to budge.

The void seems to grow bigger, and I have to fill it with something.  My doctor tells me being left alone with my thoughts is the devil’s playing ground.  Nothing good comes of it and I should strive to stay busy.  The job situation is depressing seeing as nothing has fit my niche so far, but only working to work.  Sure, there are many people out there who work to work and dislike their job but not all of us do well at that.  My fast-moving mind that a lot of people cannot seem to keep up with and needs lots of stimulation does not bode well with conventional jobs.

Branching out to focus on my hobbies in the meantime that involve high creativity helps a lot, but when you have done that for a few hours and then stuck, now what?  Chores done, check.  Errands done, check.  Now what until my husband comes home?  Repeat this spin cycle daily and you get the idea.

We are five hundred or more miles away from any family depending on what state you consider.  We moved for work and to survive.  I don’t think everyone got that but it was do or die.  You would understand if put in that situation.  My family does not get it nor does a lot of friends, because they have not been there to even comprehend it.

So, here I sit, contemplating many things and being left alone with my thoughts.  Isn’t that what I am not supposed to do; be left alone with my thoughts?


2 thoughts on “Can the weight of that brick wall on my shoulders be bulldozed …….please?

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