The power of madness inside and out.

I am listening to Tool’s Forty & Two, as the feeling of being angry boils in.  This is a funny emotion for me because it comes in two seconds flat.  There really is no coming in slowly.  It is a switch, always has been.  Look up the song and play it while you read this, you will feel it as I tell it.  I used to wonder why it came so suddenly but then being diagnosed Bipolar and reading about it, explains it all.  Some people, it takes a lot to get them mad; but me, no.  I am sure there are others out there like me, but I am the only person in my mind to control or not control.

While younger, I used to unleash it what I deemed as deserving people.  Who are these deserving people?  Hehehehehahahaha.  Examples, petty and rude sorority sisters who needed a wake up call, men who might have scorned me, my parents who did me wrong countless times, and others who thought I was a good bullying target but were wrong.  Am I justified targeting others this way?  Nope.  This is what happened though when I did not care.

What is funny is people always say, you won’t benefit from telling others off but I did .  It got out what was stirring in my mind, the negativity; stood up for myself, and felt like I could move on from there on that.  It worked like a charm.  To tell you the truth, it was one big brick wall lifted off my shoulders.  You might say it is not supposed to work that way, but it did and does.  It is very rare that I just tell someone off now because I guess I don’t care to?  I am not sure.

One example that I can laugh at now but then it was sort of surreal and strange I will tell you about.  I was at a bar at 21 with a best friend at the time.  We were dancing, drunk, and just having fun being friends.  Local bar where I grew up, on a break from college.  Full dance floor, I don’t remember what song was playing but I had lightly bumped a girl and did not realize it at the time but I guess my friend and I kept on going.  Five minutes later, that same girl came up to me in my face demanding an apology.  At the time all I remember was lightly bumping up against someone and told her it was an accident.  This girl, drunk too, had no intentions of letting me go of this despite what I told her.  She was commanding me like a drill Sargent to apologize.  I told her I would not due to her commanding nature, I do not answer to her or do something just because she demands it.

My friend walked away with me to get away from her but she would just come back tapping me on the shoulder with the same stupid crap.  It then came to me that she was a girl from high school who graduated a year ahead and liked to bully me and a round of other girls.  Long red hair, very short, and always looking like a squirrel, she thought she was the top dog.  For some reason, she thought she was some sort of hip hop girl too, as if she were in a gang?  I do not know what her reasons were for that one.

After six times of her approaching me, the seventh she said she would not go away.  While counting on her fingers, she says she will count to five for an apology and if she did not get it , she would beat me up.  She actually puts her fingers to my face, and once that happened, that switch went off.  Up until that point, I told myself to be the bigger person and walk away which I tried so many times.  But the fingers in the face as if I were some child, was the end of the line for her.

As she is doing this, I feel stoned but had not smoked.  Just drunk , low-key, having fun.  But being that I was drinking and taking meds for my mental illness, this is what happens.  Your emotions are heightened even more and switch faster at little things when combining drinking and psychiatric meds.  So there I stand, thinking ok bitch, I will deal with you.  You are no longer amusing and since you won’t go away, I will end this.  There I stand in slow motion, people dancing all around unaware except my friend who is giving me looks like take her out.  She knows this girls repetition and was excited I might get in my very first fight.  My friend was a natural at it, but me, I was taught to steer clear.

5———4——–3———–2———1:  She starts making some strange cracked out noise and then tries to hit me.  Instead I reeled back and punched her in the nose , and down she goes onto the floor falling backwards.  By that time, a crowd had formed around us.  In this part of town, the police are not really called easily.  She lays there, and I wait.  She gets up and tries the same thing.  This time I punched her flat on her back in her mouth, there she lays again.  What is strange is I felt calm doing all this, just thinking how tired I was of her.  Now my friend is dragging me out as I yell how stupid she is and she looks like an ugly squirrel on crack.  Once outside, we be-lined for another bar laughing hard at what just happened.  Off into the night, enjoying our adventure and laughing at the memory that will be forever remembered.  I never saw that girl again or heard from her.

In five minutes, I went from annoyed, to angry, to calm, and into laughter.  Perhaps you would think anyone would do the same, but I don’t know about that.  The intensity of all those feelings would make your skin crawl.  I have never fought anyone again, and will never try to again unless I feel I need to defend myself.  To this day I wonder if she even remembers what happened due to the drinking.


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