Music dictates my life as a story line, memories come from songs…….and the boredom of work.

(To the tune of Aerosmith’s Same Old Song and Dance)

All my life , music or songs have been attached to all my life events.  As long as I can remember I have emotionally attached songs to my life.  It came natural.  Especially when mad or depressed.  I went to rap when I was mad and channeled my anger through the songs.  Sitting there listening and decompressing while the song plays loudly.  Pop and rap used to dominate my adolescence and now metal, and rock dominate my connection to music.  Rap has gone out of style for me mostly, I cannot stand pop music anymore.  The connection is now rock with the span of generations of it.

I have my deceased mother’s record collection from her era, which includes original Aretha Franklin, The Mamas and the Papas, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, Simon and Garfunkel, The Fifth Dimension, so on and so forth.  She introduced me to all of that and it has stuck with me.  Listening to vinyl has such a different feel than a CD or something like an mp3 player.  The authenticity is so much higher and real.  I look forward to pulling out music that fits my mood, it makes the day so much better for any situation.  Life feels so much better with a soundtrack playing through the day.  I do not know if anyone else feels this way but somehow I have adopted this from a very young age creating the soundtrack of my life.  Having literally picking out songs that fit every situation I have been in life, thinking, “Hey, this song fits perfectly, why can it not have played while going through it?”

Take a look at the hair band era.  I love playing that stuff on my guitar.  Def Leppard, Motley Crue, Cinderalla, Poison, the stuff makes me move and groove; the flow is like a waterfall.  Then you have The Rolling Stones.  My favorite songs, Start Me Up, She’s So Cold, and Miss You; are therapeutic and spiritual.  As an atheist, it is the closest word I can use that a reader might relate to the feeling I get when listening.  Listening to all this stuff is like it enters my mind, works it way down to my feet and back up again.  Music, it is one of the few things that make sense to me in life.  You can jump up and down, scream, sing, sway to the music and life just gets that much better.

Boring turns to fun, monotonous turns to inspiration, sadness turns to happiness, despair turns to therapeutic, and anger flows out to relief.  Loving the feeling of singing as well is wonderful.  I have no idea if I am any good at it but who cares.  Singing in the SUV , out loud, and loving it; no one cares.  I am not bothering anyone.  I used to sing in a choir at church and ring the bells for fourteen years or so but it is not the same as this genre of music.  It was not loud enough or the intensity was not there.  My electric guitar and amp give me the intensity to feel it reverberate in and out of your body.  The passion flows like electricity and I crave more of it.

Secretly growing up , I dreamed of being a singer, or guitar player.  I was taught that things like that were a pipe dream and I was going to college to achieve some sort of monotonous job to be successful.  My parents had me convinced and brainwashed, and that is the path I took.  Having low self confidence to explore the less than ordinary, I did not explore it much.  Mental health took its toll and time.  I wish I would have though.  I did not need to be famous or rich from it, just get the self enrichment.  In a way it is a pipe dream, some people achieve a career from it, but I also felt that if you force it, it does not come.  If it was meant to happen, it would happen naturally .  Also, my theory on marrying and having kids.  Not something to be forced and put a time limit on, just let it happen naturally, don’t chase it.

I am sure I am not the only one to dream of things like this, being famous and doing the less than ordinary.  Maybe others would want to be a famous writer, or broadcaster.  How about winning awards for scientific findings?  Really it could be anything out of the ordinary conventional jobs.  Jobs that I could never get into involve technology, engineering, teaching, medical work, office jobs, and you get the idea.  I have done office jobs and teaching, and once I mastered it, I was bored.  It is funny thinking about it.

What am I meant to do or be?  At 35, I am still searching.  Craving for the answer, crawling for it, yearning for it, the ever long chase.  Sometimes I feel like I am running out of town or am not on a proper timeline of achievement?  Often I wonder, when will it happen for me?  Frustration of trying so many things, going after more degrees than what I already have; getting bored, and again more frustration.  Sometimes I just give up for a period of time and just work to work.  Tired of searching and restarting, you just sort of feel like fuck it.  Trying to fit in the bubble of the American work life seems so foreign and unnatural.  I want to work, don’t get me wrong, but nothing is clicking and my niche seems to be mysteriously out in the clouds.  I know my passion for my hobbies but they do not make me money.  So, I am back to square one.  The cycle repeats and the niche of work does not transpire.

The one thing that does not disappear is I do not give up.  It is a nagging thought in the back of my mind; sometimes hard to find, but always there.  Also, I have always had the feeling of wanting to do something great and not ordinary.  That has never left me and I have felt that way ever since third grade.  Why third grade?  That is my first remembrance of thinking that.  It stays no matter how depressed, manic, or frustrated I have gotten.  Some people tell me they would not survive or not be able to handle the crap I have been through but I tell them what else would you think I do?  Lay down and die?  What other choice do I have?  Then I laugh.  You always know those who have had life easy, handed to them on a silver platter with the maid to clean up after they eat.  Then when something big happens that is stressful, they fail miserably not ever knowing real stress.  Sniffing these people out that come into my life has become very easy.  These are the people who are handed the family business out of college, given jobs by their parents, their parents continue to shower them with money well into adulthood, you get the idea.  Actually, I feel sorry for them, that kind of entitlement ruins you.  How do you take care of yourself , or learn to if someone is always there to back you up with money or resources?  What kind of child did these parents think they were going to produce naively?

Ok, off my soap box, and onto something better.  I think I will go play my electric guitar.  Good day.

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