(Purple Haze , by Jimi Hendrix, play this while reading)
Yesterday was a strange one. It started out good in the morning until I got on the road. Long lines on the highway of people driving very slow, and it was crowded. I was on my way to my therapist and it seemed like there was some inner frustration that was boiling out as time passed. It was so intense , I thought I might need to pull over and sit. Just a switch, and the switch was the traffic on the highway. From that moment on, the rest of the day was a mess of anger and frustration.
I arrive to my appointment and talk about my frustrations to my therapist. She tells me my new med has a side effect of agitation and maybe I need to see my doctor sooner for a different med? I told her I was hungry and had to use the bathroom and when I ate and such, I would feel better. My hypoglycemia had set in and she would not shut up about the med change possibly. She has these ways of putting ideas out there and then my OCD runs with it and puts me in misery. Also, I told her too little food, and too much coffee has set me up for agitation. Last week was ups and downs too but I chalked that up to my period; how can you not? Can I not just have a bad morning?
I left to do a couple of morning errands after the appointment which I cut short. I just needed to eat and use the bathroom damnit. Made it to Subway to eat and then to get a mascara at Macy’s. Still angry and what not, just telling myself to get through it and get home. Just get home. Concentrate on getting through the errands, wait for the food to do it’s thing, I will be ok. Telling myself, once the food gets into my system, I will feel better. The food did make a big difference and my drive home was not frustrating at all. Once home, it was time to deal with taxes and finances, two things I would rather just not think of , it seems to set me off and then leave me depressed. It did do just that, and while my husband and I are making decisions about it all; it had feelings of tension and annoyance. There I was , angry and agitated all over again. Looking over everything, I decided to cancel my guitar lessons, cannot afford them. Called and canceled. Sad over that now. Not that I am not learning anyways, I have resources at home that have brought me much further than any weekly lesson. Regardless , I would still like to goto those lessons.
The finance issue has left us somber as it sometimes does; I suspect millions of others out there go through the same thing but when it happens to you, you feel like your alone in it because you’re the only one in your mind. Still feeling somber this morning about that; trying to listen to music which always helps; and forcing smiles.
Oh, the issue of work. I am getting back to the place where I can work again, now that I am on a med that is working. We had a discussion about that, my husband and I. That was tension filled or so it seemed. The lack of communication between both of us, that we both played a part in, was apparent. We had to hash it out and it is good now. I despise if we have any tension or argument. He likes to say we did not have a fight, we had discussions. It’s cute and I will always love him. We make it through any argument or discussion, and find closure. It is not often we argue, and we make it a point to find the closure and recognize that we both play our parts , it’s not one-sided.
I am going to back up to the issue of my OCD acting up. My obsession is my therapist questioning whether my agitation is due to a side effect of my new med and that maybe it is not working. I told her it was working, it is not as strong as the adderall but the dosage can just be increased. Side effects can wear off, it has only been since Feb. 19th on this new med. My obsession is that what if she is right and I have to try YET AGAIN another new med and adjust to that? YET AGAIN. I am tired. I have been doing this crap since October. My whole life stopped, no work, no school, just surviving to get back on track. It gets old. I want to be back to work; whatever that may be. I obsess on whether the agitation of yesterday will come back, that was intense and I did not enjoy it at all. My counter argument to her was that last week I chalked up the ups and downs to my period and now it has passed. Yesterday was due to too much coffee for me, and not enough breakfast. Plus I needed to use the bathroom. That would agitate anyone. I do not see my psychiatrist til the 16th, she suggested I move it up but since he is always booked, that is hard to do and they have to double book me. The front staff sucks big time, their manners are lacking, and usually they are cold. She tells me that they are like that to everyone and it’s not personal. Yeah, that does not make it right for all of us who are trying to survive mental illness. I guess they get yelled at by other patients or get harassed due to others having their own problems and maybe that has turned them cold and resentful of their jobs. I get that, I do but if you do not have a thick enough skin, my thought is that you should move on to something else.
So , what will pan out? Do I still have your attention reader? Will the agitation come back or fad? Was yesterday just a bad day like my husband says? He said can’t you just have a bad day? He always says she does not see you everyday like me; and you only see her once every two weeks or so, how can she make that assumption of what you need to do? Point taken well. She does not see me like my husband does which he has a much more accurate impression of anything changing with me. Ruminations running, I have to turn on the music and play my guitar. Always helps. I will play my guitar as that is soothing and distracts me from these questions. My biggest fear? Taking steps backward in my mental health.
So here I sit, and I am just going to play it out til I see my med doctor. We will see how things go. Today has to be a better day. Writing feels good, or blogging. Maybe I will make it to the gym. Oh well, time marches on.