Anxiety in the job search and the failures in the past.

I will start this post with how much I detest the job search.  Cumbersome, boring, tedious, and the feeling of nails scratching on a chalk board.  Get my drift?  For me, this is how I feel about it.  After years of failures of having to leave jobs due to mental illness or just getting bored; not ever really finding my niche; and a big sigh of frustration every time I have to breach this subject.  My never-ending quest of a career with big achievements has never happened yet and although my therapist and psychiatrist tells me it is not my fault, that still does not bring in the money!  They will never get it because they do not have the battles I have.  Am I jealous of others who have made it work?  YES, FLAT OUT YES DEFINITELY!  Don’t get me wrong, I keep trying, but seriously, jealously is a natural feelings and to fight it only makes it worse.

Right now, I am applying for jobs and if I were not on this ADD med, it would feel a lot worse.  See, if I don’t see results from my efforts, I eventually get depressed.  I have been in so many interviews in my life , I really cannot recall them all.  In all actuality, there is a pattern.  Depression comes from many interviews, many applications, and no results.  When there is a result it is for a job that I know I will be bored at yet to just have a job, I take it.  So boredom leaves to depression while on the job and you see where that goes.  The thought, damned if you do, damned if you don’t comes to mind, and it’s easy to just tell the world to fuck off because I cannot seem to fit in the box of work life.  People will encourage me, people close to me; but also the same people who have not had hard times getting jobs or keeping them.  We are not even on the same playing field buddy.

I spend a couple of hours a day looking, applying, and applying for things that are not necessarily in my work experience but trying to transfer those skills I do have into another avenue.  That is where my creativity comes in, just need to harness the focus in.  How do I do that?  No distractions of people, music, coffee, and my meds.  Silence will only let my mind be the devil’s playground and leads to ruminations, can’t have that can we?

Something of interest and off subject but my psychiatrist looked at me one day and said, “The reason no job has satisfied you is because you have not found your niche but also you have a high intellect that you just master things and want to move on to new things.  You are just too smart for what you have done in the past.  You need something with high creativity , project based, something you can move around, and ever-changing.  You will not find that in retail , restaurant , or sub teaching.”  Well ok then.  Then I hear the same thing from my therapist in a different session which she keeps hammering in.  She also tells me I need to go back to college again to get a degree in something that will use my best assets .  Mind you, I have two degrees now, have gone back before for some psychology classes and statistics but not a third degree yet.  Afraid to lose interest or waste more money, I do not want to make that first move.  I don’t seem to trust my judgement of what is good for me, due to my track record.  So where do I go from here?  She says she is there to help me to navigate getting back into the work world, but her suggestions are just that, suggestions.  Your not sitting there at my computer with me figuring out if I can transform my resume to fit a job I might apply for or to determine if a field is even worth pursuing.  So no, you are not really doing me justice.  Once a week for an hour does not help me much other than vent.

Therefore, I have been trying to explore the option of a job coach or something to that matter.  Have not had good luck searching on the net yet, so if anyone has any suggestions, please comment.  Also, if you have been in this situation, please share your experience in the comment section.  I am looking for hope and the willingness to keep going without getting bored?

I tell the professionals if I am so smart, how come haven’t I succeeded?  Mental illness, that is it.  I do everything I possibly can to help myself and it still hasn’t worked out completely.  Sometimes you just get tired of trying and want to ignore the world.  Sometimes , I think what is the point?  Ten years of this job crap searching and destroying, falling off the edge, climbing back on.  When will it ever happen for me?  I will not exactly live forever like a vampire to keep messing up, so what gives?  I know I am venting as if this is a diary but yeah it sort of is so, so what.

The irony is I have a strong desire to succeed and it is obsessional, I have been this way all my life.  My OCD would drive me to accomplish as much as I possibly can in each and every day before bed and when I did , then I would feel satisfied.  If I did not feel satisfied , I would not rest.  After doing that for years, and driving myself crazy, I had to really tailor it back.  Which, when your OCD is a task in itself.  Unless of course your very depressed, then you just don’t care.  I will not get started on the OCD aspect in here yet.

So, any of my readers, can you relate?

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