For the past two weeks or so, I am motivated, and looking forward to the day in the morning time. Once I get to noon or so, it has gone, and I have rang out of things to do. Even the gym has lost its lust, as I am only going now twice a week when I was going five days a week or more. Since I am unemployed and looking for a job, I slice out time in the morning to search and apply and then move onto other things. My husband works so he is not here on weekdays in the morning and daytime which makes it lonely. TV series and binging on that, has lost its allure and I would rather be living life than watching TV. The stale feeling is so annoying and seems to haunt me. After I clean, write, eat, play guitar, look for a job, I don’t know what else to do. Nothing else seems appealing? I am trying to help myself from going crazy from the boredom or staleness.
When you’re not trying to spend money, it really limits your options. I feel like I have exhausted anything and everything to the point of being burned out on the free options. The feeling of frustration is intense and happens daily now. That frustration leads to tears too. Due to weather, all my outdoor activities are on hold until spring or summer. Currently waiting on a book to come in at the library. I find myself wondering, is this it? Every day feeling this way in the afternoon is so bleak or something. Even the gym , the way it looks seems too dark? They have the color pattern of black, purple, and yellow and the place seems to dark? Bleh.
I try to fend off the ruminations and obsessions of all this feeling that life right now is pretty boring which is awful for me. The city I live in, even seems stale and boring. If money were no problem, I would move to a completely new environment where outdoor activities were number one on the list and creative people were everywhere to talk to. You feel like the only one out there feeling this way but I am sure there are others, I just don’t know who they are.
I am not a big TV person, and not a video game person so I don’t get lost in hours of that stuff. Once in a while there is a series I can sit for a couple of hours for maybe three, but then I need to get up and move around. My husband can sit for hours playing video games and watching TV and it doesn’t phase him. I am the opposite. I love to just do, and go somewhere or places. I thrive on new things, or experiences. Right now though, it is too low-key, and too much time is spent at home. My hope is that when I am employed , it will let up, keeping my mind busy. Not just any job will do that though, it has to be something that actually uses my mind, and not anything where your mindlessly walking a sales floor waiting for customers to come in. Been there, done that. All that does is leave my mind to obsess over something I don’t want to think about.
Dear life: I need relief, and inspiration. Save me from this pit of boredom and routine. There has to be more to life than this.