Somebody , give me a chance, I have a lot to offer.

Went to see my psychiatrist with my typed two page report of my emotions for the past two weeks.  I was nervous going in hoping that I would not have to start all over with a new med.  It gets real old after doing it so much.  After he read it, he first said, “It is not the Vyvanse that is causing you your depression and frustration.  It is the real world situation of the recession, as a lot of people out there are in the same situation as you.  When nothing happens for a long period of time despite your best efforts coupled with not being out with people most of the time, you become isolated which is very bad for someone like you.”  He also said that if I were not already being treated for bipolar disorder with meds, which I am, then he would suspect the Vyanse.  It was a huge relief to know that it’s not the medicine pushing things around.  It’s just plain out depression and frustration from not having enough to do, and not enough human interaction.  Therefore, I will continue as I have been doing, and I feel a lot better after that appointment with my doctor.

I have had a couple of job leads where I have talked to three different companies requesting my resume today.  I have had some response from a couple follow ups I did with more email communication.  That was exciting and made me feel better.  Gave me some hope that maybe something will happen.  See, you go for weeks and weeks pounding the pavement, doing everything your asked to do, doing all the follow-up work, putting yourself out there and such.  After awhile, you start to lose hope and like me become depressed and lose some drive.  For me, I feel like I am sending stuff out into some black hole in the sky, the same routine over and over.  It all becomes like it feels pointless and never-ending.  I am an extrovert, social butterfly, who thrives on social activity and interacting with people.  When I get deprived of that, I have noticed in my life that I become depressed and it is never good.  All the activities I have been doing to keep me busy in the day besides job searching have not been cutting it lately because I am by myself!  Therefore , I have started to veer away from them.  Except my writing, that seems to be going full throttle but that does not take up the entire day until my husband gets home.

Also, I am doer.  Having always feeling like I cannot give an end to the day until my mind is satisfied that I have accomplished enough productivity to feel settled.  It is my OCD that drives me to productivity and detail.  It is obsessive and seriously, I will keep going until I feel settled.  I want to make everything happen and everything happen fast.  That person who goes out there, makes the calls, meets in person, and pushes the other parties to move faster.  THE WORLD MOVES TOO SLOW FOR ME AND MY MIND!!!!!!  Let’s get on with it already!  I am not getting any younger or benefitting from months of unemployment.  That is minus my mental health recovery time.

So, there you have it.  Reading, playing the guitar, watching TV, going to the gym by myself, is not doing it anymore.  Let me out of this prison of insanity of too much downtime world!


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