It’s only fair that I put this in my blog.

Recently, or today, I realized that I achieved two things I was anxious to goto or do.  One, was my first day back to work as I took a sub job.  Yes, it was very boring, un-enlightening, and I seemed to look at my watch often to see if time passed by any faster than the last time I checked.  Since there was a student teacher in there and she ran the show, I was very bored, as anyone would.  Point is, is that I did it, made some money, and conquered my anxiety I had about going back into the education system that I have been doing for some years now.  The night before I was dreading it, the morning of, until I had my coffee and meds.  Then I felt like I could conquer.  Later in the day, I was less enthused, probably due to boredom.

Today, I attended an alumni event for all collegiate and alumni here in my state.  It is an all day affair that happens once a year and I haven’t attended in a couple of years I think.  As a sorority alumni, I want to be active in my chapter here, but due to mental health problems, I have been distant instead.  Fellow mental health sufferers will understand when your going through a relapse, you tend to push your social life out, and the world in general.  I definitely have done that.  Therefore, this event , I got to see people and talk with others I have not seen in a long time.  Having had a very good time, I do miss my sorority life and what comes with it even after you graduate.  During college, I was highly active in the chapter, and wanted to be active in the alumni world to where I once was then I just sort of fizzled out, which was my own doing.

I received a great compliment on my blog from a fellow sister in that she stated she enjoyed reading it, saw it as a helpful resource for others who might be suffering, and encouraged me to write a book.  All great praise to get, and that made me feel good.  She said at first she read my stuff and thought, this is too good!  I told her I was going to put that in my next post.  Then she clarified and never knew I was a writer or did it for years.  HAHAHA, you know who are you when you read this.   🙂

See, when you have been spending most of your time alone , other than doctor’s appointments, support groups, your spouse, and not working, you really do not get enough socialization with other people.  Sometimes I forget what it is like to have a social life; which is amazing because I was actually given awards in my sorority for how I attended every event.  Basically, that is how I have always been until this relapse.  So, with that said, I had lots of anxiety leading up to today’s events and yesterdays, but somehow I did it.  Once the day started, and I got going, it was fine.  That is an accomplishment when you can push past the fear and anxiety because believe me there are countless days when I just stayed in bed due to anxiety problems and had to let the panic pass.  There have been many things I have passed on due to anxiety.

What I have learned is that anxiety will shut down every aspect of your life in its most severe form, and you feel like a scared, helpless child.  The lonely feeling is always there, and you don’t feel like yourself.  You can feel alone even in a stadium full of people but you still feel alone.  That goes with the depression aspect of being depressed too.  When you feel this way, your self-confidence plummets, you feel inadequate compared to your peers and then figure out ways why you are inadequate or examples.

I am going to let people in on a secret of mine.  I do have insecurities.  Particularly, since I don’t have a career, I feel like I don’t stand up to other peers that do.  I might shy away from social events to avoid the job topic that people typically touch on in social settings.  Probably one of the reasons I have been so lazy about doing social things.  I don’t goto things, if I don’t feel like I fit in or can relate perhaps.  Most likely, these people don’t care if I am employed or not but in my head, I am self-conscious.   If I were employed, I probably would not shy away.  Maybe that all sounds bizarre to some people but when you have been unemployed so long, your thoughts start to question thoughts.  You can start questioning your capabilities, or self-worth.  Really , now that I am typing this all out, it makes me want to cry, because I don’t know why I am so hard on myself with this type of thinking, I don’t deserve this line of thinking I do to myself.  People matter whether they are employed or not, whether they are married, or not.  Whether they have kids or not, and they still matter if they do own a big house, fancy cars, or do not have those things.

Unfortunately, society likes to identify everyone by how much money they make, what they own, and how successful they are in a career.  If you are not in the plus category for these subjects, that can make the rest feel sub par.  When can society value the identity of a person not on money or materialistic things but on the person themselves?  Very truthfully, I would like people to value me on my personality first.  It meant a lot to me when people were asking me about my writing, my pets, my guitar playing, and other things that make me; and just that, me.  People who ask me about my passions means so much.

I suppose people might be used to asking where do you work, where do you live, type stuff.  Like it is from some sort of script to get to know someone but I will ask you other stuff.  I will ask you that other stuff because it is how I would like to be treated.  What kinds of things reader do you want others to ask of you?

Overall, my accomplishments are big for these past couple days because it represents overcoming anxiety and fear.  PTSD brings a lot of that, especially when you are asked to start working in a new environment with strangers.  That is my biggest hurdle, because I wonder, can I trust these people to be around them all day?  Will I feel comfortable around them?  Or will I feel like an alien in this environment?

My next hurdle is this job I have gone through a couple of phone interviews for and I will probably find out on Monday if I move forward.  If hired, the job has a lot of perks but it is a job I have never done before.  Apprehensive of the new people, and new environment, that scares me .  The job has not even been offered to me but yet I act as if it will be mine in time.  Realistically, I should not even feeling nervous, but for some reason it has been on my mind since the company has made contact with me.  Hopefully, I can fight through the fear of the unknown and the anxiety that causes obsessions.


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