And the beat goes on…….and on.

Today is Friday, I seem to be doing better.  Saw my therapist and I felt better afterwards.  Yesterday, my husband and I visited a college to pursue his masters in education.  That went well, nothing negative about it.  Today, my husband is applying to the college for a program and I am helping him with his essay that goes with it.  Always, I have been the secretary in our marriage, getting things done, making sure it is on time.  Making sure our insurance company does not over charge or make some sort of mistake which I always catch and rectify.  I have caught mistakes in excess of five grand before.  I planned our wedding on my own.  I set up and researched doctors needed when we signed on to our new health insurance, made sure all paperwork was done properly and on time.  Any trip that we have taken, I planned it and prepared for it.  You could call me the event planner, administrative secretary, coordinator, what have you.  Proofreader is a good one too.  Meanwhile, I work, but just to work to have work.  What I do is no passion as I have yet to find that ever it seems.

Lately, I have been pounding the pavement in the job search for two months now and have had email screenings, and phone interviews but past that nothing else.  It is very rough on your emotionally and comes with a lot of negative mixed emotions.  Sometimes I need a couple of days to just not do it really.  That is for the sake of my own sanity.

Back to the subject at hand, my husband has done well with a trajectory of a career, has never experienced work set backs like mine due to mental health.  I have had a few to say the least.  He is doing well and now coming into a masters.  I have to say I feel left behind because it was always my dream to have a career and a satisfying one at that.  I will be 36 in three months and I still do not have it.  Will I give up ?  No, but it does feel demoralizing.  I never dreamed of who I would marry, what my kids would look, or what my wedding would be.  All that I assumed would happen naturally if it did, and I just dreamed of being self-sustaining, paying my bills , and successful in a career.  Never did I see myself so set back.  A dream that always was and is a big deal to me, I have to wonder will it ever happen?

I continue to help my husband and cheer him on and am truly happy for him.  Don’t get me wrong on that, but it is natural to wonder when it will happen for me too.  As a bipolar and ADD individual, we thrive on structure and goals and when it does not happen, depression ensues.  That is something I fight everyday because I do not have a particular agenda or goal other than getting done what we need to hear that involves basic everyday things any couple would need to do.  The OCD in me has a hard time with the job search because it has very little feedback and for all the hard work you put into it, you don’t know what is paying off or not.  An OCD individual needs results to know what they are doing is going somewhere otherwise it is very frustrating.  The long periods of time with no word from a prospective employer does very little positively to my confidence level.  The limbo period in life with no direction or seemingly no direction is torture.

I really felt like I needed to put this out in the internet black hole of a world.  You might call it venting , or if you’re a hater, complaining.  What have you, call it what you want.  I felt the passion to write, and here it is.  So I ask, no one in particular, when will my time come?  When will my time come to shine and prosper?  I am very ready, able, and excited to do so, who will give me that chance?


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