how does this work again or how is it supposed to work?

How does it work when you emotions swing very large from one end of the scale to another?  Specifically, how do I continue on in my day when I really don’t want to be around the public or anyone for that matter?  Furthermore, how do I even care to do anything else with my day when none of it interests me?  It’s just the same old crap, errands, chores, garden, blah, blah, blah.  In ten days , I finally start my job and it’s not soon enough.  My husband says enjoy it while you can like it’s some sort of vacation.  No!  A vacation is when  you goto the ocean and do things on the ocean, eat out, hike on the beach, get to see wildlife.  This is no vacation.  I have been doing this same crap for almost a year.  Oh, and then you get  the be thankful for what you have line.  As if saying it makes it all better and that is a magic wand waving.  None of the above work and no matter how much busy work I put into my schedule makes it feel better.

The gym no longer works , it is sort of in a scummy area and the place isn’t too inviting, I gave up on that.  Please don’t tell me to goto the gym, I have been doing exercising on my own.  The place I really would like to go that is inviting is way too much money btw.

Maybe this overcast rainy weather is to blame for my mood.  I did try playing my guitar for about a half hour and lost interest, done all the chores.  The irony of depression or having a bipolar episode is you don’t want to be around people or even look at them, but they tell you, you need to force yourself to do it.  Right now the general public around here where I live disgusts me.  Don’t ask me why, I don’t really have a good explanation for it.

This all started when I ran out of things to do this morning and was thinking , here we fucking go again, same shit, different day.  Story of my life currently.  Bang my head against the wall.  What is even more ironic is I was enjoying music earlier this morning and dancing to it.  How do I go from one end to another?  Oh I know, your bipolar, you have to ride it out and wait.  Somehow that answer is supposed to make it all better.

Last week at my physical , I was told I was fifty pounds over weight which I already knew and to return to weight watchers.  Since you have to pay for weight watchers, I found an app to count calories the same way theirs does and have been using that and putting in more exercise.  Either way, I have been feeling like a blob since then and before that I felt good about myself.

Other things I have been doing is trying to read books I like to read, but that interest sort of comes and goes, same with the guitar.  The gardening is the one that has stuck mostly.  I would love to travel but with only one income coming in until I start working again, we cannot.  I REALLY NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY IN ALL SENSES.

I felt like I needed to vent, and since there is no one here currently to vent to, somehow venting to the black hole of the internet that goes anywhere and everywhere helps a little.  Something else I worry about is will I be able to stay attentive all day at work?  What happens if I have a switch in moods while I am there?  Oh the challenges of being a mental health sufferer and trying to live in the box society bestows upon us.  We are expected to keep a full time job, make a certain amount of money, keep a respectable house and car, and act happy at all times, while welcoming anyone who wants to visit or talk to us.  That is so not reality yet it’s forced on us in those unwritten rules.

Wishing I could sleep away the day, but I am not tired at all, therefore not an option.  Wake up and hopefully feel better.

Dear world, I am doing my best here and my first day of work cannot get here soon enough.


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