Adjustment and change on the horizon.

Seems as though I have broken out of my anxiety and depression phase that went on for about three weeks or so.  What did it?  Going back to work did it.  Gradually with everyday, it felt like bricks trickled off my shoulders.  Two days ago, I felt like myself again and back to normal.  I have had much worse depressions in the past where it lasted a year, so this was short lived but felt awful too.

Now, my summer job is over officially, I have to transition back to the regular school year subbing again and hoping to lock into a long term assignment like I normally do year after year.  Until I get that, I just do short term subbing.  I am also doing my masters degree so that will keep my occupied.  The first week of school, there will be no need for subs, so I have to keep myself busy until the need arises which it will.  I have made this a full time job for five years, lol.  The key is to create structure to my days until work picks up the pace and not get down because I don’t have enough to do.  That does concern me, but I am trying not to worry about what hasn’t come yet to fruition.  This class I am taking called research to methodology is very wordy reading and will take critical thinking, so I think I will be able to immerse myself in it.

On a side note, on my morning walk today, I was suddenly struck with missing my mother who passed six years ago.  The death was unexpected but expected parsimoniously, and created a period of depression for me.  I miss hearing her voice and wished she could see my life for what it is now.  I miss talking to her about any subject and I miss her making her own jewelry.  She passed on at 60, way too soon.  Succumbing to alcoholism over a period of ten years will do that to you.  Many family members knocked themselves out to help and take care of her, but she deteriorated anyways.  There is a feeling of helplessness when that happens.  You try your hardest to save someone from their pain but at the same time watching their suffering, it takes a big toll on  you.  She used alcohol to self-medicate her personal problems and mental health problems which only made it all 50 times worse.  In the end, we were taking her to the hospital often for alcohol poisoning, or withdrawals.  Made meals for her everyday, took her to any doctors appointments.  Could not get her to stop drinking.  Tried taking her to rehab, AA, therapy, etc.  You would think that somewhere, and at some point, something would have given.  Like a chip coming out of concrete.  There were short periods of time where she seemed to do much better but they didn’t last.  For the longest time, I blamed myself for not fixing or saving her.  I truly felt like I failed.  It took a long time to realize it was not my failure or fault.

So , six years later, I have accepted it all happened and it is much easier to think about but once in a while the pain comes back.


6 thoughts on “Adjustment and change on the horizon.

  1. I have those same feelings centered around my sister. She is also an alcoholic and drug addict. I tried for the last two years to help her pull out of that life so she could regain custody of her baby daughter. She couldn’t do it. Like your mother, nothing made an impact and she lost her baby. I ended up adopting her, which to my sister was the ultimate betrayal. I have so much guilt. But at the same time, relief as I know she will now grow up in a safe environment. It’s sad. I don’t even know how my sister is doing right now.

    I wish I could say the same things about my relationship with my mother. She has stopped talking to me because I attempted to address with her and my father the abuse by them in my past and it’s aftermath in my life. They won’t even acknowledge anything. I had to walk away for my own wellbeing. But it’s still very sad.

    I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and your circumstances. These are very hard roads to be walking down.

    Liked by 1 person

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