Well, fail today. Woke up feeling very much in a fog, anxiety, no motivation, dreading work, and you can see where this is going. I am home, the anxiety too great. I am wondering if that half trazadone I took at 1 am to get back to sleep had anything to do with it, it has lingering effects if your not able to sleep it off. It took about three hours before I felt normal again and not full of anxiety. It was carried over from the day before when I came home from work feeling discouraged and very unmotivated. I wanted to be productive after work but it did not happen. I sat on the couch trying to focus on the TV to avoid my anxiety about work. Somehow I have to beat this, tired of living in fear of this job. I need some plan. Right now I am feeling good, just walked for over an hour so I feel accomplished. Spoke with my mother in law for a long time, that was nice. If you think about it, all they are are thoughts. On the surface from afar, they seem harmless but in your head they tend to rule when it comes to mental illness. Background, I have been working hard at coming out of a depression for three weeks now and have made a lot of progress with getting a job and going to it. Do not feel like I am completely out of it. I was trying to think about what exactly is making me feel overwhelmed at work. Two things, the uncertainty and chaos. When those things happen, I tend to be easily distracted and feel overwhelmed. What would help is if I feel overwhelmed, if I could step away for five minutes to collect myself then come back. I know if I have that, it would be very beneficial. The job is hard too. I don’t know if my depression is distorting my mind with the thoughts of because it is overwhelming and hard, I just want to walk away to avoid any stress. My therapist told me that depression puts a distortion on your viewpoints of my environment and that I need to say that this is just the distortion ruining things. Right at this moment, I feel good but that seems to change for the last half of the day sometimes. If I could just have one day that is not a weekend day where the whole day I felt productive minus the anxiety, it would give me great hope. Sometimes I want to fight, sometimes I want to ignore and do nothing productive. It is the roller coaster of emotional patterns that derails life in general.
I started a higher dose of wellbutrin yesterday. I am not sure if it has had any effect yet but my psychiatrist said that I would be surprised at the difference it makes positively for me. We will see what happens. I cannot have happen what happened this morning. Please , please, please. Sending positive vibes out.
I also determined that I am too hard on myself with this job. I don’t have the experience yet to have the results I want or my expectations, and that frustrates me daily. I also figured out that I am not kind enough to myself in terms of just knowing I am doing the best I can, and perfectionism is not the way to go. Somehow I need to be kinder to myself, and learn to not get discouraged for the rest of the day when a couple big things go wrong.
Any suggestions or good vibes is appreciated.