Introspective

Woke up this morning apprehensive with some nervousness.  Took my meds, ate , and had some coffee and now I feel fine.  I am perfectly content blogging and reading blogs with my cats sitting by my side.  Nothing is on the agenda today other than an appointment with my allergist to do skin testing because it has not been done since 2010.  I get allergy shots and have done so for four years now.  I have no problems with my allergies and rarely need an allegra.  Ever have that feeling that your perfectly content at home blogging and into it?  The news place in the background but your not really listening to it.  I could goto the gym but not sure if I feel like it.  Hard to go because it feels so boring.  There is a yoga class at ten am I think that I might goto.  The anxiety was less this morning like yesterday and I am thankful I am off that awful wellbutrin.  I could goto the library, return a rented book from amazon, etc., etc.  Could fill out my fasfa, don’t feel like it.  LOL  I want to enjoy the little simple things today.  For instance, pet other people’s dogs while on a walk.  Perhaps make light conversation with someone.  How about watching the fish in the fish tanks swim?  I am over what my husband said last night.  It is a small hiccup in the repair of our marriage, and can be addressed in marriage counseling.  I also think he does not use an outlet for his frustrations and stress when it comes to my mental illness hence why it just stays with him.  Wish he would take charge and find some sort of healthy outlet for his own stress.  While I cannot fix myself with having mental illnesses, I can work on myself and do good for myself, take my meds and do therapy, see my doctor.  I do meditation as well and exercise.  Granted the last month for me has been a roller coaster with moods, but now that I am off this wellbutrin I have felt a LOT better.  His other stressor was me quitting my last job and then getting another.  Yes I did that, I was miserable in a stressful job that I really was not properly trained for plus I was on a med that causes a side effect of anxiety and sleeplessness too which exasperates things.  Last year I quit a job after trying to make it work for several months, my boss was calling me baby, and I had to work with a horrible verbally abusive woman who I tried to discuss things with HR and get assigned to a different sales person and they would not do it!  Then she brought an HR case against me which is highly ironic because the investigator told me that it is me who should have brought the case against her, not her against me.  I had lots of documentation to back up what she had been doing and everything.  Either way, they disciplined her and me too!  Stupid place.  Glad to be gone from there.  Anyways, where was I?  Enjoying my coffee and enjoying being in the moment.  My new job which starts on Wednesday is an easy stress free job where I am basically a tutor for a student in high school and I go with her to her classes daily.  I am way overqualified for it but it does not mean I cannot find something else that is more challenging and pays better.

Back to my husband, when he told me he did not feel like being intimate due to stress of my up and down moods and then me quitting a job, I have some things to say about that.  I am doing the best I can.  I can work on me to get back to more of an even keel but it won’t be perfect.  As far as jobs go, what is done is done.  We both have to move on and it is up to him to move on and not wallow in it.  At first I felt guilty, inadequate, and I felt like I had been put into some sort of box; most of all less of a person.  After talking with a friend and looking at the bigger picture with her, I realized it is not doom and gloom, not the end of the world, just a hiccup.  Focus on the solutions and move forward.  I feel determined for it to not let it ruin any day.

On another note, I made a facebook page dedicated to showcasing other people’s cats with an interview section and pictures.  Now that I am done with my class and probably will not be taking another one til January or so, I need something to look forward to that I can be creative.  My husband and I came up with the idea yesterday morning.  Just need to figure out how to make it work for how I want it to be.

My cats say hi and they are now demanding their morning wet food.

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16 thoughts on “Introspective

      1. Your writing today was considerably different from the last few days. Including the flow of thoughts. Hence asked… Glad that getting of the med and quitting previous job helped you. Good on you 🙂

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  1. Hahaha… I understand what you are going through. And saying. But I had a platonic relationship with my husband for years because of my baggage. Hence that’s a domain I’m too confused to comment on.
    I do hope things get better though. Maybe if you talk to him about how he is feeling about dealing with living with your ups and downs, it might help. Given how tough our personal fights are, we tend to forget that living with us can’t be easy either. Don’t have to be grateful for it but talking to him without your own issues clouding your understanding might help him. Which might get you both closer…
    Else like you said he should find another outlet to vent positively.
    Like I said, I’m not very good at this 🙂 Sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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