A hard morning

I woke up not wanting to wake up, would rather sleep more but my mind was not going to let me sleep more.  Self defeating thoughts of there is no point to get up, or I have no desire to get up, don’t even have the desire to drive to my therapy appointment today, that seems like too much effort.  This is an awful and annoying feeling.  It is like I cannot get my mind to switch playing fields.   Maybe because I do not have a job due to having to address my mental health issues with outpatient care next week that I feel like a looser or nothing going for me.  I got out of bed, took my meds and fed the cats, that I was proud of .

30 minutes later or so…..

Well feel better after meds, still do not want to make the drive into my therapist.  I had thoughts of memories of happy times of different fun things I have done in the past and I enjoyed reminiscing about that.  It seemed to cheer me up.  I am trying to focus on people who love me and why they do.  I have a therapy appointment at nine am and do not feel like making the drive in there, lazy.  I really should shower and get ready though.  Actually feel like doing that.  Strange, usually I do not feel like bothering showering.

I wanted to talk about things that are positive in my life.  My job seems to want to put it on hold until I get done with the day treatment program.  That was nice of them.  Not sure how I will feel after the day treatment program.  I have my dad, my aunt, uncle, brother, husband and a few best friends that are there for me.  I have a graduate interview to get into graduate school which I had to move til after I get out of the hospital day program.  I do have my physical health, I have my cats as great support just being cute cats.  I have food, shelter, great health care insurance, and transportation.  I also get to walk this women’s dog that I enjoy doing , it helps with mental health.

My goals are to complete the day treatment program and get back to work.  I hope to break through the worst of the depression and my goal with that is to become  able  to be more productive in the day, and want to actually be productive.  I have a goal to not feel like it is a super drag to shower, eat, dress, and do chores or errands.  My other goal is to not isolate or be an afraid little mouse.



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