update

So I met with my doctor today then my therapist.  He said he reviewed my chart thoroughly since 2010 while I went to Florida, mind you in bad shape but it still did good for me.  I am at the level of Lamictal of 300 and he said we need to focus on the bipolar depression so I am being put on Lithium and going up in a detailed schedule over the next two weeks which I will see him again and get blood work done somewhere in the middle.  I was worried I would not be able to make it to my appointments today because I am in severe depression but I did it.  It felt good to drive my SUV again.  I even dropped off my prescriptions and went back to pick them up.  Apparently I am sick with something and my period started so I am run down and tired in general.  I missed two pills in my birth control so that messed up things and I got my period.  When I am on birth control, I don’t get a period so I forgot completely what it was like to have one.  Never in my life of mental illness have I been on Lithium.  I asked my doctor if I should be inpatient, he said no, because all they would do is follow the same regime he is doing and I would be locked up.  I do not want to harm myself or others, just sick of the pain.

So the things I have tried since this two month or so issue is TMS but found out I was not a candidate due to being bipolar and it could make me manic.  I tried outpatient program and felt like that did little for me, and felt more depressed getting out of there and did not accomplish the goals I wanted to.  That was four and a half weeks worth.  The latest thing is I tried Ketamine infusion treatments.  Now these places charge 450 and you pay up front then submit a claim through your insurance.  Depends on the insurance company as to what they will pay.  Ours reinburses 75 %.    The statistics show that 70 % respond positively to it.  When you do it your there for 2.5 hours and they hook you up to an IV with ketamine.  Then flush it with saline after that is done.  Each time you do it it feels like an acid trip.  I did not notice any change after two treatments.  I had my third and it scared the living shit out of me.  It was like a torteous bad trip that you could not escape in your mind, like being locked in a cage, and have to wait it out.  I felt anger like I never did before.  I never felt that before.  I had the nurse stay in the room with me because it was tramatizing.  I told the doctor how I felt about it and he said that can happen sometimes with ocd patients.  Either way it scared the shit out of me and I did not want to go back.  I told my psychiatrist all about it and he thought I should discontinue and thought it was a disaster.

The things that have changed in 2 or 3 months is it is far more depression than anxiety.  I went from feeling numb and not being able to cry to now being able to feel everything including laughter and happiness sometimes.  I am not able to enjoy music and movies again.  I took an interest in a book whereas before I would just keep trying different books and could not get interest.  I am able to accomplish daily life tasks but it is incredibly hard and sometimes they don’t get done.  Today happened to be  a better day because it was a little less hard getting out of bed, and I got out of bed an hour before I had to which is unusual for me.  There has been an uptake in crying spells and agitation but not sure if that is due to my period or what not.  Thanksgiving we went to see family , I could not enjoy anything while we were there, but the trip to Florida for Christmas , I was able to enjoy much more, even though the depression was still there.  I feel like it did me real good.  Today I felt the slight inclination to play my guitar again but it was fleeting.

If it were not for my husband, I would have put myself in inpatient because I could not have done it living home alone.  He has gone out and done errands for me, made food for me everyday, drove me wherever when I cannot bring myself to drive.  Picked up prescriptions, hugged me a lot, literally pulled on my legs to bring me out of bed.  Sometimes has rolled me out.  He has pointed out what I accomplished everyday and makes it a point to say I did it even though it may have hurt to do it.

Everyday I hope for a better day even when I feel hopeless.  I put up a piece of paper with words of encouragement in the bathroom.  It is the strangest thing that you feel so awful but you like yourself, and think your worth it.  You dread the next day everyday which I am told is textbook.

That is all for now.

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