I am still here

What is that feeling where you want to do something consistently daily to have structure but at the same time you do not want to commit to it?  On one hand I am frustrated that I don’t have enough to do but establishing something like daily volunteering scares me?  This seems insane.  I do not know if this is part of the bipolar depression or what.  Today, I had  little coffee, showered, ate, and went to get a gel manicure which made me feel  lot better.  Then I went next door to get Chinease.  Got a couple scratch off tickets and walked the neighbors dog.  Been back at home while these people keep working on replacing the kitchen floor and hallway.  Sort of wish they would have been gone by now.  Tried to see if my therapist had a cancellation, but she did not.  So far today, I have not had this cycle of a low, which is good.  Rather, sort of this gloomy mood today.  What do I hate the most?  This scared little kid feeling.   This is new for me and I do not understand it or where it comes from.  If anyone can give me some insight, I would appreciate it.


2 thoughts on “I am still here

  1. I understand needing structure. I’m in school online right now and that’s all I have to do besides housework and taking care of my dog. I’d love to be working, but I can’t until I’m more stable. I try to make a schedule for my days and that helps a little.


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