A change

Well yesterday was the first day that I had no cycles or depression, at least not really.  Today, I feel fine, just unmotivated, still think the depression is lingering just not strong.  Considering where I was three weeks ago when I started Lithium, I have climbed mountains in terms of progress.  I have this strange feeling of not knowing what to do with myself because I got so used to being in either depression, anxiety, or rapid cycling.  My fight of this bipolar episode stems back to October.  I see my doctor and therapist tomorrow and my doctor will tell me what my blood work showed for lithium levels, also what the next step is.  Do not feel I am ready for work, I need to see a good two weeks of no cycling to convince myself I am ready.  My doctor has said he does not want me doing anything until I am completely stabilized.  It is amazing what I have tried to help myself like four weeks of outpatient program, denied for tms therapy because it could induce mania, and tried three ketamine infusions which did not produce positive results.  I reflect if I had only been put on lithium months ago, it would have prevented a lot of pain.  I guess I cannot look at it that way because it will just make me angry.  I would not say I feel peppy and happy, but rather calm and sort of a not happy nor sad just in the middle feeling.

Sorry that this post is sort of all over the place, my vyvanse has not been working for a long time according to my doctor because the depression masked it.  He said it will work again as the depression lifts more.  At least I do not feel like crying, that is a godsend.

As for keeping busy, I have done everything I can think of in the past three weeks to just be doing anything.  I have gotten tired of renting movies and going to the library.  Luckily this week, there has been a lot of people coming in for big home improvements, and yesterday I spent all day finding out our furnace is in bad shape and needing replacement.  So the maintenance man then the estimator took up most of the day.  It is spilling in today.  So the quote is for the ac unit, the water heater, and the furnace.   Now,I have to get a second opinion bid for good measure.

I even shampoo’d the whole place of carpet last week.  I do all the cleaning, laundry, etc.  Taking care of the cats, going to the vet, manicure and pedicure.  I looked into volunteering but everything I find , you cannot start right away.  You have to wait to goto an orientation, or get trained and that is like more than a month away.  Pretty frustrating.

I wonder if I can find some sort of online job til I can work in the real world again?

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