blah bleh blah

So I saw my doctor on Monday and read what I had written down about what I have been feeling since I last saw him.  Even though my rapid cycling has stopped, he said I am not out of the woods yet and gave me celexa for the lingering depression.  God I hope this med works.  My depression is not nearly as bad as it was , I am doing things, and going places.  But I do have those feelings of dreading the next day, feeling like what is my point, bored because I have done the same things over and over and I am tired of doing them.  I am not well enough to work and getting into volunteer work is proving not so immediate.  I seem to do a lot better when around people I know.  Not people I do not know like at starbucks or the library.  People like to say goto the library or starbucks to be around people.  Why?  So I can stare at them silently and ultimately not have any human interaction?  OH and I dread being alone.  My doctor said that is another symptom of depression.  That would explain that feeling.  It is funny how I go and do things, can laugh or enjoy things, but still be depressed?  Apparently my low of light crying once daily is due to the depression.  My husband works and of course that is the way it is .  I do not see him til the end of the day.  Unfortunately, on Wednesday, he has a class to goto at 5 and goes til 9.  That leaves me home alone all day and evening; something I dread.

Here are the things I have tried to do to keep busy and some of them many times over:

library, sit at starbucks, reading, walking, walking the neighbors dog, tons of cleaning, doctor’s appointments, movies, video games, talking to family on the phone, getting my nails done, going to random stores just to get out of the house, recently facilitating lots of house renovations (that was more annoying and inconvenient than anything) , watching CNN (this seems to be a big interest), going to a couple restaurants due to a gift card for lunch, suv repairs, I went hiking recently, organizing my purse, taking cats to the vet, pedicure, looking for ways to make money from an online job, started  personal project but sort of stuck with it right now, playing my guitar, and going to get gas or the pharmacy.

Days like today, I feel like what is the point of showering and brushing my teeth?  I mean I did it anyways sometime after making breakfast.  If I am not going anywhere then why?  Yesterday was interesting because a new AC unit, furnace, and water heater was being put in.  It was neat to see the dismantling of the old stuff then the new stuff to be put back in.

So I do not know what to do to occupy myself anymore.  Wish I had friends who were not at work to hang out with.

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2 thoughts on “blah bleh blah

  1. I know I am late with this comment, but I really feel your pain. When my anxiety is running high, I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I get into those “what’s the point?” moments.

    I came across a quotation from reading The Artist’s Way last night: “Boredom is just, ‘what’s the use?’ in disguise. ‘What’s the use’ is fear, and fear means you are secretly in despair.”

    Like you I am not a fan of just going and hanging out somewhere and watching strangers. I like being with people I know and sharing meaningful conversations. I really hate being alone. If I have a day off and my husband’s at work, I go and volunteer at his bakery rather than be alone.

    I know you are a stranger, but I have thought of you every day since you left that comment on my blog last November, and I worry about you and want you to feel better. I get scared about doing things too, but I push myself to do them because I know they will make me feel better. But it does take courage and it isn’t easy.

    ~Alice

    Liked by 1 person

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