I feel scared and would like feedback

So recently I went to an orientation for the humane society and it was overwhelming.  I was obsessing about it the day before it, and sort of the day of.  Supposedly tomorrow we get some link to sign up for training, and I am not looking forward to it.  Why?  Because my job since November was to get better from a bad bipolar depression, then rapid cycling, and some more depression.  My time was spent a lot at home, doctors appointments, errands, cleaning, spending time on the net, taking care of our pets, seeing some friends here and there, talking to family on the phone,  and you get the idea.  I have been very bored on weekdays while my husband is at work.  I do not blame him for being at work, it is logical.  The more and more I get better, the more bored I get.  I was told a good transition was to volunteer before looking for  job.  Ever since this volunteer thing has come up, I feel scared, wanting to hide at home, and even dread it.  I do not understand these feelings but the idea of committing to something seems daunting?  Have I just  been too used to how things have been or is it depression?  I used to teach and I could go substitute teach again, alas, that seems daunting.  I DID IT FOR YEARS!!!  YEARS!  I used to volunteer as well with no problems.  What is wrong with me?  Just writing this brings tears to my eyes because of the frustration of this wall I hit to move forward. I just want to be the person I used to be before my bipolar raped my life and threw it in the garbage.  It is like there is no motivation to do either things.  I would love to hear about anyone who is in recovery who have experienced this and how they worked through it.

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4 thoughts on “I feel scared and would like feedback

  1. Thanks for sharing. I am somewhat the same place as you. Everything seems so overwhelming. I’m not sure what to do either. I think the fear is a reaction to what is coming – it for me – and it stimulating something depressive in me. All the best of luck to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Once I went through my worse depressive episode I never was the same again. My moods are very sensitive now to any kind of demands placed on me especially with inflexible schedules. It is why I can no longer hold a job, not even a routine volunteer one.

    I never know when I am going to have a bad anxiety day or a migraine or feel too depressed to leave the house. I need to be able to cancel plans at the last minute if I am having one of these days, which I can do with friends and family, but I could not do with a job or volunteer work. I would feel too guilty. It would cause me more stress. So I don’t even want to put myself in that situation. It would not be healthy for me.

    And I am ok with that. It’s not that I am not motivated. It’s that I am not stable enough to make those kind of routine commitments.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. For the same reasons I can not work. Things I did for years and years suddenly now cripple me emotionally. I haven’f found an answer yet and have to take it one day at a time.

    Commitments are the worse. I don’t tell anyone I;m going to do something, then they can’t be let down and I have an out.

    Maybe you’ re not ready for something that seems so big right now….just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. thing 3, thing 4

    I’m a teacher like you were, and only God knows how I get through my days. I hit a brick wall last fall and all the medication adjustments seemed to make my problems worse for a while. I’m functional off and on, but I fake it most of the time. Today, everything I did was like an out of body experience. I could feel the air blow through me as though I were a ghost. Oddly, when my depression takes on this ghostly form, I function just well enough to get by because have a semi-competent autopilot.

    I have to work, so the best I can do during times like this is let my supervisor know, to some extent, what’s going on. It takes some of the pressure off, but the expectation is that I adjust and move forward. I amuse myself with the irony, as this expectation, what seems so impossible, is the same expectation I have for my students who suffer God knows what.

    And the burden I am…

    It’s enough to want to not exist.

    So, with all my paid off-days used up and then some, I put one foot in front of the other and think, you know, if the worst is being dead, my kids losing a mom and my husband losing a wife, then I can handle being reprimanded at work or even losing my job. I’ve seen some pretty comfy-looking make-shift beds under bridges.

    I guess all this to say that I have no answer beyond a lot of praying.

    Liked by 1 person

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