Hello there, it’s me

I am a lot better than where I used to be but still battling lingering depression.  Currently , I seem to not have any interest in working which is substitute teaching.  I did it for two weeks, first time working since Sept.  So now I do not look forward to the next day because I seem to have come to really dislike it.  It is mostly boring and you never know what your going to walk into.  Every assignment is different people.  All that foreign feeling gets old.  I don’t have anything else lined up but going for something else seems like a brick wall of I don’t want to do that.  Before I started working again, I signed up for volunteering with the humane society but have yet to volunteer.  Why?  I love cats and dogs, have them at home.  For some reason I just don’t want to go?  Now, I have two online classes staring Monday for my masters and that seems daunting and I don’t want to be bothered by it?  Then at the same time, I want to do it, but lack confidence.  I really do get out and do things, and am productive around the house.  But commitments seem to be very scary for me.  Either that or depression is messing with my mind.  My doctor did tell me I am still battling depression.  Funny thing is if I watch a movie, or have a conversation with friends or family, I forget about all of it.  There are things I really enjoy. Everyday there is this moment of sadness and maybe crying.  Morning time, I feel unmotivated and take forever for me to leave the house, I take only afternoon assignments.  I pray and hope that the next day will be better.  That somehow everything will work out, and I will be fixed.  All my classes  before, I had no problem doing and had the motivation.  Got all A’s.  I keep what ifing myself, probably depression causing lack of confidence.  The other part  of this is I cannot stand being home alone, seems to make me feel more sad.  It just feels like there are these brick walls in my mind that I cannot kick through.  Very frustrating, which I could take a vacation from my life.


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