I seem to have issues with forcing myself to do something and break down the walls of depression. Today I was trying to psyche myself out to go substitute teach and just could not do it. Then after a couple cups of coffee, I felt like I could. Then this guy came to paint our door at our condo , there was no prior notice and the door had to stay open for two hours to dry. Well there goes my window of motivation. So I stayed home, did chores, talked to my mother in law on the phone, studied for these classes starting on Monday, walked the neighbors dog and visited with the owner, and that is it. The moment I ran out of things to do, I got uncomfortable, lonely, and frustrated. I detest being home alone , it does me no good. I am so frustrated that I have dread of work, the next day, and whatever. Why can I not just freaking be normal? Be able to goto work consistently with no depressed feelings or dread? Why can I not just be able to commit to a job and commit to volunteering? Basically , I do not know if I will be motivated or depressed during that window. Why can I not take my therapists suggestions and make them happen? It is that brick wall of depression. That box your in where the walls are steel, and the top of the box has an iron clad lock. Your in the box. You want to do many things but are stuck in the box of depression and frustration. That is where I am at now.