The Pendulum swings

I think it would be good to start with some positives.  I am getting nearly 100 percent in both classes.  I get out and do things, socialize when people are around.  I try to keep busy, get things done.  I am thankful for my friends and family, my health insurance, food, shelter, my cats, and my husband.

There is this underlying flat feeling and uninterested feeling that I wake up with every freaking morning.  I am better at getting out of bed than I was months ago, but will still want to lay there and ignore the world.  Once I am up, I fed the fish, the cats, eat something, take my meds, I feel a little better.  I have coffee and automatically feel better and want to do things, and I do those things.  At around 2pm or 3pm, I lose interest or get bored.  Maybe it is because it is chores, or errands, or the regular routine of walking the neighbors dog.  Once my husband gets home I feel better, not completely but better.  Our community garden will be starting soon and will give me something else to do that I like.  But basically, it is lonely during the day, and weekends are better when my husband is home.  So I am on this rinse and repeat daily.  I force myself to try and keep busy through the day and usually run out of things to do by 2pm.  Forcing yourself to do things when they feel like huge chores is a bad feeling.

My therapist says I am way better than I was months ago and reminds me of that often.  I told her of this pattern of emotions daily and she told me to really accentuate to my psychiatrist the flat, uninterested part.  It is nice to talk to her because she provides intellectual conversation, and I always feel better after.  There are other people that leave me feeling happy or optimistic.  My brother my mother in law, my aunt and uncle, and my father.  All of them like to talk about things that are stimulating and intellectual in conversation.  I have a best friend who is highly intellectual from college and I love our conversations.  So I figure that if I were to make a schedule of talking to each of these people for an hour each a day, five days a week; I would have a huge boost in mood!

Of course that is not realistic, they are not clients of mine and have their own lives.  lol.  My online courses do keep my mind focused or interested but after spending four hours or two on them in a day, it gets old for that day.  There are things I look forward to but what I do not look forward to is the same patterns of emotions that are negative or sad.  I told my therapist about how I wake up feeling a certain way everyday, and she said that is chemical.  I see my psychiatrist next Monday so I will address all this with him.

Overall, I hate this lingering depression , feeling of flatness that happens some of the day, the same routine of it all.  That last part is what does not feel optimistic for the future.  Current:  laying on couch content to watch cnn and ignore the world with my coffee.

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10 thoughts on “The Pendulum swings

  1. I know the feeling of that flatness. I feel it every time my husband goes to work. Makes for a long day. I have plenty to do and dogs and cats to entertain, but no matter how well my meds are working I still feel that underlying emptiness and despair.

    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have that flat feeling a lot too. I think it comes from being at home, not working and not being required to be somewhere or go somewhere everyday like a job. I also think it is just the mundaneness (is that a word? Lol) of everyday life that everyone feels. I mean, every minute of the day is not going to be stimulating and exciting. That isn’t how life is….For anyone. Ya know?

    Liked by 1 person

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