I told him the positives and negatives since I was last there. Told him I was crying this morning and last week had a bad day of crying and then a crappy feeling day the next. Explained that I go through the same pattern of emotions everyday. Wake up feeling flat and apathetic. After breakfast, coffee and meds, feel normal and better. Then around 2 or 3, go back to flat, uninterested, and apathetic. Frustrated that I do everything my therapist says to do as well as my doctor and I have not rid myself of this depression. At some point today while planting some plants in the garden, I got in a real sour mood, and thought I don’t care about anything going on or having to be somewhere in the week. Went home and cried. Anyways he asked me if I thought the celexa was working, I said no and he agreed. I am switching to prozac, and many years ago I was on it, and it worked well. He said I am too intellectual to not work and thought I was scared to go back because of my confidence being shattered during the roughest times. I told him I feel uninterested in working, even though I know it is important. He thinks I need more structure than what I have now. So basically , I feel depressed or not caring to working, and the thought of doing an interview gives me a lot of anxiety. Yet I need this. How the fuck do I do this?! I felt better after seeing him, but then later felt bad. Funny thing is I am doing well in my online classes. Too many times I feel bored, but working sounds boring. Either way he says I am still depressed and accounts for my feelings. You know I am jealous of those people who do not have depression. Believe me, I know who these people are. When I say jealous, it is high. Or do not deal with anxiety. I would like one full day with no anxiety or depression. Just once. I will usually have a few good hours, but not the whole day. I seem to do bad when I am alone. Pissed that my husband will be gone this weekend for job training which is paid and he works this summer because of it. I dread that, because when I am home alone, I am left with my own thoughts. I made plans for saturday and sunday but for some reason I am not looking forward to them? I wonder if I will when it gets to that point. Sometimes I just don’t want to try anymore, just sit on the couch and watch CNN.
I do enjoy stuff, movies, tv, the garden, reading, conversations on the phone, going places with my husband, hiking. I wonder why people do not comment more on my blog because I know there are a lot of people who can relate.