Today I saw my psychiatrist

I told him the positives and negatives since I was last there.  Told him I was crying this morning and last week had a bad day of crying and then a crappy feeling day the next.  Explained that I go through the same pattern of emotions everyday.  Wake up feeling flat and apathetic.  After breakfast, coffee and meds, feel normal and better.  Then around 2 or 3, go back to flat, uninterested, and apathetic.  Frustrated that I do everything my therapist says to do as well as my doctor and I have not rid myself of this depression.  At some point today while planting some plants in the garden, I got in a real sour mood, and thought I don’t care about anything going on or having to be somewhere in the week.  Went home and cried.  Anyways he asked me if I thought the celexa was working, I said no and he agreed.  I am switching to prozac, and many years ago I was on it, and it worked well.  He said I am too intellectual to not work and thought I was scared to go back because of my confidence being shattered during the roughest times.  I told him I feel uninterested in working, even though I know it is important.  He thinks I need more structure than what I have now.  So basically , I feel depressed or not caring to working, and the thought of doing an interview gives me a lot of anxiety.  Yet I need this.  How the fuck do I do this?!  I felt better after seeing him, but then later felt bad.  Funny thing is I am doing well in my online classes.  Too many times I feel bored, but working sounds boring.  Either way he says I am still depressed and accounts for my feelings.  You know I am jealous of those people who do not have depression.  Believe me, I know who these people are.  When I say jealous, it is high.  Or do not deal with anxiety.  I would like one full day with no anxiety or depression.  Just once.  I will usually have a few good hours, but not the whole day.  I seem to do bad when I am alone.  Pissed that my husband will be gone this weekend for job training which is paid and he works this summer because of it.  I dread that, because when I am home alone, I am left with my own thoughts.  I made plans for saturday and sunday but for some reason I am not looking forward to them?  I wonder if I will when it gets to that point.  Sometimes I just don’t want to try anymore, just sit on the couch and watch CNN.

I do enjoy stuff, movies, tv, the garden, reading, conversations on the phone, going places with my husband, hiking.  I wonder why people do not comment more on my blog because I know there are a lot of people who can relate.


12 thoughts on “Today I saw my psychiatrist

  1. foreverchanged2014

    I never had anxiety until my husband’s affair. I dealt with depression as a teenager, but nothing to the extent of now. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I am too so I really have no advice. Just wanted you to know that I understand. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know what you mean about needing the mental stimulation of a job but being to anxious to cope with the pressures of it. What about volunteering somewhere once or twice a week?

    As far as people commenting, do you read and comment on other people’s blogs? That will help. I comment on yours often but you have never on mine. Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. More about the job with me, logically, I know I need to work, but emotionally I feel flat about it, and not caring. Told my doctor that yesterday as well. He is taking me off of celexa, thinks it is doing nothing for me and I start prozac on Saturday. I had good luck with prozac many years ago so maybe that will be true now.


      1. That’s hopeful since you had positive results with it in the past. There’s an old saying that goes “bring the body and the mind will follow.”. Maybe starting work, whether you feel like it or not, could be beneficial to your mental health as opposed to waiting for a full recovery before you start working. I remember you trying to work and getting very anxious and sicker though, so you don’t want a repeat of that either. It’s something to weigh out with your doctor, therapist, husband, etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Spoke about it with my doctor about work. He thinks I need more structure and things to do and work would fill in some of that. I do things everyday and have a structure but it does not take up enough of the day. I feel like going to this job fair is more about satisfying my husband, and father’s wishes rather than how I feel about it. A long time ago , I tried another job after the one I left and it failed miserably and my doctor said that is because my illness was on the downward spiral and it had nothing to do with the job. It was the illness. Maybe if I goto the job fair and just network, that is a step forward to be proud of. I am conflicted. There is the logical side of me then there is the emotional side. They are clashing. God I hope my new med will work.


      3. I think networking would definitely be something to be proud of! There is something in between the logical mind and the emotional mind called the “wise mind.” It acknowledges the feelings and the importance of them but also doesn’t allow the emotional mind to make all of the decisions. The wise mind decides how far to push the emotional mind out of it’s comfort zone and how to curtail some of the logical minds ideas that may be too much for right now. It’s a balance thing. Your idea of networking is a wise mind decision ☺

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this. Depression is wicked. I can understand your jealousy of others who don’t experience it the way you do. It seems unfair to watch them experience life from your corner. I am an advocate for more structure for myself when I struggle. I know I need it. I find even if I just don’t want to do anything, if I move, sometimes the feelings will follow. I hope you find something that will help you pull out of the feeling of “flat” and that you feel some life return to your bones.

    Liked by 1 person

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