Ok, lately I have been drowning out my depression with these two shows to not think. I feel like my depression is worse, due to the lack of things to do other than errands and cleaning. It feels like I cannot stand this dullness and sadness anymore. Very frustrating that I cannot find a summer job. My doctor tells me that I need structured time like a job, or activities through the day. I have tried so hard to do just that spending a lot of time looking for a summer job, interviewed for a school job for the new school year, they still have no word back despite following up twice. I hang out with friends when they are available, goto the farmers market, spend time with my husband. I have gotten to the point where I do not look forward to the next day. When I wake up, I think not this again. I have tried to force myself to be happy, force myself to have hope, think positive, I am doing that everyday. Why is this shit not working? Why can’t I just sit and be neutral?