Warning: venting

I am tired of sending out resumes, filling out apps, being bored due to lack of job.  I am tired of my options being cleaning, errands, walking the dog, tending to the garden, and I forget.  I am mad at people who have jobs, because I do not.  In two months that I have been looking, i have only had two interviews anddddd did not get them.  I do not know why.  My mental health in june cleared up but due to unemployment, I am depressed due to my predicament.  Feel like I am running out of steam.  To top it off , my doctor had to lower my dosage of lithium because of hair loss.  Now it looks silly and all I can do is wait for it to grow back.  I feel ugly due to it.  I tell myself I cannot do this again tomorrow, but do it again anyways.  I want to scream about how I have been incovienced by bipolar and ocd.  I have hiked a lot, lots of walks, look at stores to get out of the condo, hung out with friends, I do therapy,  puzzles,  books, blog, and what have you.  I TRY SO HARD, GO THROUGH THE SAME FEELINGS EVERY FUCKING DAY, AND FOR WHAT?  I have knocked myself out looking for jobs countless hours, hundreds of applications and resumes.  

That is it, I had to put it somewhere.

Did not get the job

Had an interview on Friday to be a living assistant in a senior home.  Basically I would get to know the residents and their likes.  From there, I would creates events based on their likes.  Set up, tear down of those events.  Also driving the residents to group events or errands.  Creating the newsletter and other clerical duties.  It was a group interview that I felt went  very well.  I wanted this job.  This morning, I get an email saying I did not move on to the next level.  Of course I became sad/depressed that it feels like I cannot break back into the world of work.  It was late june that I started looking due to my disdorders  under control.  Tomorrow is August, I wanted to have a job before my classes started up.  There is only so much I can do in a job search, there is the employer that has to accept you, which of course I cannot say hire me.  Therefore that other half feels out of my control.  Has anyone had these challenges of returning to work after months of mental health problems?

 

P.S.  Coffee helps

My job search

Well.  Not sure if I wrote about this before but I did not get the job I really wanted as a paraeducator.  I asked via email if there was any constructive criticism she could give me which she replied she had none.  She also said that the school system has a rule to hire first internal candidates before external.  Ok, why bring in anyone who is external then?  Took awhile to get over because it was my perfect scenario job that would work around my two classes.  Recently , I interviewed for a vibrant living assistant at a senior home.  The job description says you would organize events for the residents, get to know them, run the events, some clerical stuff, and make the newsletter.  There is more, but I do not remember it all now.   What I like about this job is it is helping people, with multiple duties to keep me busy.  The interview was a group interview, there were six other people and one company employee.  It was easy.  Apparently, multiple positions were up for grabs. The woman made it a point to tell me on the way out that she is giving my info to whoever would oversea me and it would be a couple of days.  Last time I heard a couple of days, it was three weeks.

Other than that, the med changes have done a lot of good.  I am not having problems with OCD, bipolar, or depression.  It feels very good  to just sit and be.

Good old lithium

Anyone experienced the side effect of hair loss ?  I did, over time hair would come out when showering that was excessive.  Also, when brushing.  Now my hair looks different and thinner.  Not happy with that.  Saw my doctor and he lowered the dose as I was having tremors and acne.  I do not seem to be experience this stuff anymore.. Wish I had taken care of this much sooner but with depression , you tend to forget about self care.  

Anyways, looking for anyone who has experienced the same situation?

A positive update

I have had three appointments where my doctor and I have been doing med changes.  Currently I am taking Lithium, Anafrinal, Lamictal, plus klonopin and trazadone for sleep.  We tried taking away the Lamictal because we thought it was not working, but that made me depressed and strange feeling.  Once I got back on it, I was fine.  I am so glad to be on Anafrinal, it tames my OCD which caused distress with the ruminations.  I feel like I am myself again and actually clear head; I did not know what that was  like before.  This upset in  my mental health started in November and ended in July.  I cannot believe I went through mania, severe depression, and relentless OCD.  I feel like I have survived war.  It is the longest upset I have ever had in my mental health.  Fingers crossed it lasts.  I have done an interview for my ideal job but did not get it.  At the time, it felt like my world was ending, but today I do not view it that way.  My posts about my journey will tell you just how bad I was.  Overall, I am thankful for getting well again.

Damn

For the past week, I had went from improving with my ocd and feeling happy about it to a depression.  The kind of depression that leaves you not wanting to work, hard to complete errands because doing them involves begging yourself to get off the couch and go, but your mind says that is boring and not interesting.  Today, I actually did some errands and doing them were painful.  For the past week, I have been watching hbo series a lot to occupy my mind.  It is like this sad feeling has permanently moved into my head.  Then my ocd runs with it and ruminates about why I am sad or depressed.  Just feel awful all around.  What disturbs me the most is the lack of drive to do things.  Apathy is what is killing me.  I am struggling day to day and it amazes me how much my mind fights back doing chores or errands, or even showering.  Saw my therapist , and just getting ready and driving there was awful.  Our actual session went well and I felt a lot better talking to her.  I see my doctor on Monday .  We have been doing med changes and this started after decreasing one med and dropping another.  I am worried I will get worse.  I do not want to just feel numb all the time, that was awful.

Anyone want to share a similar story?