Celexa

Anyone ween off of this and have side effects?  Called my doctor about it and he told me to start the new med today.   Earlier than planned.  Also having a lot of anxiety over my husband being gone this weekend.  I cannot seem to shake it and I feel trapped in it.  I seem to feel normal when doing something engaging but when that is done, I go back to the anxiety.  Any suggestions?

Today 

This morning,  my thoughts and obsessions became too much and I felt like I could not deal.  So I ate, fed the cats and fish, had coffe.  Decided to engross my mind in cnn.  I need a whole 24 hours to not think of ruminations or depressive episodes.  Have little interest in going to a job fair or work on my classes.  Depression seems to just over rule.  I need an outlet that actually works to take me out of my head other than movies or phone conversations.  Feels like not a lot works.

Today I saw my psychiatrist

I told him the positives and negatives since I was last there.  Told him I was crying this morning and last week had a bad day of crying and then a crappy feeling day the next.  Explained that I go through the same pattern of emotions everyday.  Wake up feeling flat and apathetic.  After breakfast, coffee and meds, feel normal and better.  Then around 2 or 3, go back to flat, uninterested, and apathetic.  Frustrated that I do everything my therapist says to do as well as my doctor and I have not rid myself of this depression.  At some point today while planting some plants in the garden, I got in a real sour mood, and thought I don’t care about anything going on or having to be somewhere in the week.  Went home and cried.  Anyways he asked me if I thought the celexa was working, I said no and he agreed.  I am switching to prozac, and many years ago I was on it, and it worked well.  He said I am too intellectual to not work and thought I was scared to go back because of my confidence being shattered during the roughest times.  I told him I feel uninterested in working, even though I know it is important.  He thinks I need more structure than what I have now.  So basically , I feel depressed or not caring to working, and the thought of doing an interview gives me a lot of anxiety.  Yet I need this.  How the fuck do I do this?!  I felt better after seeing him, but then later felt bad.  Funny thing is I am doing well in my online classes.  Too many times I feel bored, but working sounds boring.  Either way he says I am still depressed and accounts for my feelings.  You know I am jealous of those people who do not have depression.  Believe me, I know who these people are.  When I say jealous, it is high.  Or do not deal with anxiety.  I would like one full day with no anxiety or depression.  Just once.  I will usually have a few good hours, but not the whole day.  I seem to do bad when I am alone.  Pissed that my husband will be gone this weekend for job training which is paid and he works this summer because of it.  I dread that, because when I am home alone, I am left with my own thoughts.  I made plans for saturday and sunday but for some reason I am not looking forward to them?  I wonder if I will when it gets to that point.  Sometimes I just don’t want to try anymore, just sit on the couch and watch CNN.

I do enjoy stuff, movies, tv, the garden, reading, conversations on the phone, going places with my husband, hiking.  I wonder why people do not comment more on my blog because I know there are a lot of people who can relate.

Celexa

So I am on this med for depression.  As someone with Bipolar 2, it is said that one can become manic being on this type of drug.  But since I am on Lithium, Latuda, and Lamictal, it controls that.  So, I feel like this drug is doing nothing for me.  Has anyone had experience with this drug, can you share with me your experiences?  I see my doctor on Monday and will address this.

Something else I noticed , if I take 300mg of trazadone as opposed to 200 mg that I usually do, the next morning, I am a depressed zombie who only wants to snuggle up on the couch and reading.  I usually wake up depressed and not wanting to get out of bed but this was more.  Anyone have experience with trazadone?

The Pendulum swings

I think it would be good to start with some positives.  I am getting nearly 100 percent in both classes.  I get out and do things, socialize when people are around.  I try to keep busy, get things done.  I am thankful for my friends and family, my health insurance, food, shelter, my cats, and my husband.

There is this underlying flat feeling and uninterested feeling that I wake up with every freaking morning.  I am better at getting out of bed than I was months ago, but will still want to lay there and ignore the world.  Once I am up, I fed the fish, the cats, eat something, take my meds, I feel a little better.  I have coffee and automatically feel better and want to do things, and I do those things.  At around 2pm or 3pm, I lose interest or get bored.  Maybe it is because it is chores, or errands, or the regular routine of walking the neighbors dog.  Once my husband gets home I feel better, not completely but better.  Our community garden will be starting soon and will give me something else to do that I like.  But basically, it is lonely during the day, and weekends are better when my husband is home.  So I am on this rinse and repeat daily.  I force myself to try and keep busy through the day and usually run out of things to do by 2pm.  Forcing yourself to do things when they feel like huge chores is a bad feeling.

My therapist says I am way better than I was months ago and reminds me of that often.  I told her of this pattern of emotions daily and she told me to really accentuate to my psychiatrist the flat, uninterested part.  It is nice to talk to her because she provides intellectual conversation, and I always feel better after.  There are other people that leave me feeling happy or optimistic.  My brother my mother in law, my aunt and uncle, and my father.  All of them like to talk about things that are stimulating and intellectual in conversation.  I have a best friend who is highly intellectual from college and I love our conversations.  So I figure that if I were to make a schedule of talking to each of these people for an hour each a day, five days a week; I would have a huge boost in mood!

Of course that is not realistic, they are not clients of mine and have their own lives.  lol.  My online courses do keep my mind focused or interested but after spending four hours or two on them in a day, it gets old for that day.  There are things I look forward to but what I do not look forward to is the same patterns of emotions that are negative or sad.  I told my therapist about how I wake up feeling a certain way everyday, and she said that is chemical.  I see my psychiatrist next Monday so I will address all this with him.

Overall, I hate this lingering depression , feeling of flatness that happens some of the day, the same routine of it all.  That last part is what does not feel optimistic for the future.  Current:  laying on couch content to watch cnn and ignore the world with my coffee.