A positive update

I have had three appointments where my doctor and I have been doing med changes.  Currently I am taking Lithium, Anafrinal, Lamictal, plus klonopin and trazadone for sleep.  We tried taking away the Lamictal because we thought it was not working, but that made me depressed and strange feeling.  Once I got back on it, I was fine.  I am so glad to be on Anafrinal, it tames my OCD which caused distress with the ruminations.  I feel like I am myself again and actually clear head; I did not know what that was  like before.  This upset in  my mental health started in November and ended in July.  I cannot believe I went through mania, severe depression, and relentless OCD.  I feel like I have survived war.  It is the longest upset I have ever had in my mental health.  Fingers crossed it lasts.  I have done an interview for my ideal job but did not get it.  At the time, it felt like my world was ending, but today I do not view it that way.  My posts about my journey will tell you just how bad I was.  Overall, I am thankful for getting well again.

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Damn

For the past week, I had went from improving with my ocd and feeling happy about it to a depression.  The kind of depression that leaves you not wanting to work, hard to complete errands because doing them involves begging yourself to get off the couch and go, but your mind says that is boring and not interesting.  Today, I actually did some errands and doing them were painful.  For the past week, I have been watching hbo series a lot to occupy my mind.  It is like this sad feeling has permanently moved into my head.  Then my ocd runs with it and ruminates about why I am sad or depressed.  Just feel awful all around.  What disturbs me the most is the lack of drive to do things.  Apathy is what is killing me.  I am struggling day to day and it amazes me how much my mind fights back doing chores or errands, or even showering.  Saw my therapist , and just getting ready and driving there was awful.  Our actual session went well and I felt a lot better talking to her.  I see my doctor on Monday .  We have been doing med changes and this started after decreasing one med and dropping another.  I am worried I will get worse.  I do not want to just feel numb all the time, that was awful.

Anyone want to share a similar story?

 

Tru Blood and Sopranos

Ok, lately I have been drowning out my depression with these two shows to not think.  I feel like my depression is worse, due to the lack of things to do other than errands and cleaning.  It feels like I cannot stand this dullness and sadness anymore.  Very frustrating that I cannot find a summer job.  My doctor tells me that I need structured time like a job, or activities through the day.  I have tried so hard to do just that spending a lot of time looking for a summer job, interviewed for a school job for the new school  year, they still have no word back despite following up twice.  I hang out with friends when they are available, goto the farmers market, spend time with my husband.  I have gotten to the point where I do not look forward to the next day.  When I wake up, I think not this again.  I have tried to force myself to be happy, force myself to have hope, think positive, I am doing that everyday.  Why is this shit not working?  Why can’t I just sit and be neutral?

Update

Well, I have been feeling better.  It seems that applying for jobs and had an interview that went well really picked me up.  I feel like I did something productive, positive, and forward thinking.  The interview is for the new school year and I am also looking for a summer job that involves working with kids since all my experience is school related.  It also looks good for my masters degree.  Trying to ignore that I don’t have enough to do in a day.  My husband told me he would go crazy if he was in my position when I asked.  Another person said that too.  I may have asked but it did not make me feel any better.  Been trying to find meetup meetings but none are during the week and during the day, which is what I need.  Watering the garden, walking the neighbors dog, and chores does not take up my day.  I locked into Entourage and watched all seasons, LOL.  Now I have moved onto the sopranos.  My husband started on Tru Blood.  I do have a friend who is on medical leave who is home, he comes over once or twice a week which is cool.  Going hiking is what we do.

Our condo association has pools we can use but it is not fun laying out by myself.  I have gotten fed up doing things by myself a lot.  Did a lot of stuff over and over alone, just not enough social interaction.  My therapist says I need structure and socializing daily.  Hence trying to get a job.  The rest of my friends are at work.  Talking on the phone with family , I enjoy that.

I envy neurotypical people .  Life is so much easier for them compared to someone who has had life interrupted many times, left without a job, forced to pick up the pieces every time.  Neurotypical people do not know stress at all compared to atypical people.  We go through so much stress that they will only see until they are elderally.

As I rack my brain trying to figure out what to do that involves socializing, it makes me feel sad.  I did sign up for volunteering with  nami but they don’t need anyone during the day.  I signed up with the humane society, but don’t seem to care to go.  I do not know why.  I signed up to do a research job with them where they actually interviewed me for a volunteer position.  Supposed to be a 4 person job.  Was supposed to hear back Friday but did not.  I will follow up.

The positives are I have my family, friends, my husband, cats, transportation, and bills paid.  I am in my masters program too and have my health.  I keep hoping for more things to happen to me.  Over and out.

Work

I am frusterated when I look at job ads.  Either they do not interest me or I am not qualified.   I look for awhile then get annoyed.   Annoyed because of my lack of drive and interest is not there like it used to be.  In the morning, it is there but not later in the day.  I need a job for structure and something to do.  I keep trying and things do not change.   I want the old me back.  Bold, confident,  content, always have imitative.  My husband is very successful in his field and I feel left behind.   Actually, anyone who can hold a full time job for years , I feel left behind.  I am a graduate student but it is not enough.  I do not know when I will break through this wall.

How do I conquer this

For some time now, the things I can do like subbing and volunteer work , I have no interest in. So here I sit bored. I am sure it is depression but for however long this has been going on, I wake up, eat, and lose myself in hbo series to forget feeling like nothing is going for me. I do have good moments or days like when I get to socialize with people or do fun things with my husband, or having fun conversations with family on the phone. Anyways, anyone have the same problem and how they conquered it?