It hurts

NNeeded to share.  Do not want to get out of bed, no desire.  It hurts to feel this way.  Would rather ignore everything .   Wish this would stop.  Typing on phone so not as efficent as the computer.  Hate wwaking up this way over and over.  Anyone feeling the same?

Update:  Well after my meds kicked in I felt better, my husband and I went out to breakfast.  That was nice.  The feelings of inadequcy and low self-esteem creeping in.  Before I got several things done around here which is awesome.  Can I just have one day, one day where I feel decent all day long????  Why is that so much to ask for?  I feel inadequate because I am going into this day treatment facility on Tuesday and my job is on hold.  I seem to be indifferent about the job and indifferent about doing the interview for graduate school tomorrow.  Wish I could actually care more.  Why can I not be  happy about this stuff?  So sick of this shit and sick of being down on myself that seems to come naturally because I don’t feel like I should be where I feel I should be in life.  Why can’t I just accept things are what they are right now, and I am trying to get extra help, and that is where life is for now.  I hate when the lonely feeling creeps back in even when my husband is around.  Trying to stay positive and not feel like this cloud is over me.  Sitting in front of a light box right now that I use during the winter.  I like sitting in front of it, not sure if it helps or not.  My therapist said to start using it again since the weather has officially gotten colder and more fall like.  That really seems to have affected me, the seasons changing.  Why can’t I be ok with being home alone while my husband is at work?  Why can’t I just function like a neurotypical  human being?  Why do I even have to have apprehensions about doing the graduate interview tomorrow, and then two doctors appointments?  I am just venting and do not know where to put it.  Yesterday we went to DC and walked over 11,000 steps.  Ok, they say exercise is supposed to help depression, why did I not feel better depression wise?  I was glad to go and that my husband got me out, and enjoyed the tour of the capital and accomplished it all.  Please GOD, make all this depression, anxiety, and whatever hell this is go AWAY!!!!!!