So, I forgot about wordpress until today. Why? I have been doing so well mentally, life just seems to go by faster and I am not bombarded by depression and OCD issues. Work is fine, and I am in my last semester of my masters. Then I go on to my field work and after that I can start applying for school counseling positions. I managed to stay in school despite any setbacks with depression which many of you know is a big feat to master. Now, there are periods of time where a few days I will take a few steps back and feel miserable but somehow the funk breaks. I am still seeing my therapist once every two or three weeks and of course my psychiatrist. I actually have a new one after 8 years with my other who retired sadly. My new one is a lot younger and intelligent but I really did not feel like starting over with someone so they can understand my history and quirks. This new psychiatrist has not worked through severe depression/bipolar episodes and does not know what works for me as opposed to what does not. Of course he can study my file, but it isn’t the same and getting to know one another on a professional level takes a long time. Seems like a burden actually.
I got to thinking today about what I would have done differently in life had I had a glimpse into my adulthood from the mindset of a teenager. I know I would have taken the educational track to an in demand high paying job. I do not know what that would be but considering what it takes to live on your own and prepare for retirement, that is why I think this way. I can do nothing to prevent all the setbacks of depression, mania, OCD episodes, you name it. That would have happened no matter what college I went to or what job I had. I would have still had setbacks. I know what your going to say, which is you cannot change the past. Yes I know this, but it is fun to think about what you would have done differently.
For instance, I would have stuck with an exercise plan and stuck with it starting as a teenager. I would not have partied so much in my undergrad which affected my grades. I had a low B average, but I could have had all A’s if I had not focused so much on a social life. I wish I never messed around with half the guys I did , they were a waste of time. Another waste of time was caring too much what others thought of you. This is something that I still struggle with but has decreased a lot.
I wish I had spent more time with family as a child more than I did. I did not know my grandparents well except one of them, and they passed away while I was in middle school. Then again, they lived over an hour away and I could not drive so there’s that.
I still wished I could have saved my mother from her chronic alcoholism and eventually her death. People tell me there was nothing I could have done that I hadn’t already done, but I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind suggesting otherwise. It feels like it my responsibility to save her.
With that said, I am going to do some more reflecting.